Category: blog

Is it wrong for me to be in awe of my own poems? I’m not tooting my own horn or anything, I’m just admiring what I believe is my ability to capture the way I feel in a particular moment. Discovery is about just that, seeing who it is that I am, the mistakes that I’ve made, the paths that I’ve chosen. Too often I would view myself through the eyes of others. I defined myself by that perception. In looking back over my poems, being in a new space, I can now see that. The poem can be viewed in a way that I’m describing life and not a specific person. And that is how I see it, its dual representation.

When we’re young we often see life and love through rose-colored glasses. Those glasses remained on even when they had been knocked completely off my face. I always wanted to believe the best in people. Regardless of my seemingly bad taste in men, I always thought I saw more to them than was actually there. I loved with both the expectation of being loved in return and in seeing only the good in someone. Quite often I felt the Dagger of Deceit and am now glad that it’s all behind me. There’s a lot to learn in life about love, heartache and the like. I’m glad that there is a time and a season for it all and that the experiences gained in my 20s are now behind me. Now I can reflect upon them and move forward from a place of experience and understanding. Yes, I repeated many mistakes. I was insane for a while, repeating the same things and expecting different results, but that time is over. No matter how many times you get knocked down there is always something worth getting back up for.

Sometimes we wish that we could use a little Correction Fluid in our lives. We make mistakes, some of them we’d rather forget all together. This poem was written during a rough patch with Kenrick.  Honestly, I’m the most poetic when there’s some sort of drama. That being the case, I have not written many poems outside of that. Inspiration takes hold when I feel I have something to write about. So, when I am deeply sad, I feel the most inspired. Odd, I know. I guess that that’s just how I am. To think, I didn’t feel the desire to write the day I got married. That isn’t to say that I didn’t have anything to say, it just feels weird writing about happier things. Alas, the mind of someone who lives with depression. Sadness is more interesting to me than is happiness. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I have spent a greater portion of my life in some level of sadness. For several weeks recently I was very happy. Inexplicably so. I analyzed virtually every moment of it. It was like a new discovery that I poked at, tried to understand and tried to hold on to. It was fleeting. But, I did enjoy that time. I grabbed a hold of it, and as the poets would say, I sucked the marrow from it. As I said, we make mistakes, and sometimes in these mistakes we find ourselves.