Pain at Any Age — Gasping for Air

I know, it’s been almost a year. It’s not that my creativity or my love of writing has gone, it’s just been suppressed. I simply haven’t been writing anymore. So, what brings me out of my writing hiatus is the need to make sense of something that requires me to go old school, pen-to-paper, as they would say. What does one do with the knowledge that something that was once important is now missing entirely from your life? It’s like coping with death. The person that I am now is not the same as the person I was yesterday. There’ve been some hard lessons learned and a coldness that has been added to the way that I view some aspects of life.

I’ve been in an unhealthy mental place for the past couple of weeks. And to think, I’ve recently started exercising in the mornings. It has impacted my ability to work, to be at peace, and to maintain my sanity. So what do I do with everything that I’m feeling? Where do I put the sadness, the disappointment? How do you find the silver lining when all you can do is cry, hurt, and feel like a loser?

Continue reading “Pain at Any Age — Gasping for Air”

My Life at 40

Yes, it’s true, I’m now the big 4-0. I wish I could blame my recent sleepless nights solely on this point, however, I cannot. Believe me when I say that there was no joy, no excitement in turning 40. Sure, for some it’s just a number, and in the grand scheme of things that’s true but it is a milestone birthday. When my husband called me one minute before midnight I whined about not wanting to be forty as if I was a child not wanting to go to my bed, afraid that there would be something that I would somehow miss.

This isn’t the 2020 any of us expected. Many of us looked forward to what we thought would be a banner year. There was just something sexy, new, and at its onset alluring about 2020. And yet, 2019 decided it would only go kicking and screaming. Now, with my birthday only a few hours behind me I suppose it’s as good a time as any to reflect on this past year. A defining year that ushered in such changes that life will never again be the same. Continue reading “My Life at 40”

At War With Myself

I feel like I’ve been at war with myself. The old me fighting and losing to the person that I am today. I suppose it’s just life, you reach points where you feel exhausted by it all. You long for the time when you were younger, free of responsibility and care. Then too, that view may be distorted, thinking that it was a simpler time. It also was. As the saying goes, if I knew then what I know now… I’d be in a much different place mentally and physically.

Alas, the look back is always much rosier than it actually was. However, when you take the time to consider what our youth was like, who wouldn’t want to return? For me, it’s more than nostalgia. I still miss my grandmother and others that have since passed on. I think of Jamaica and consider the joy and the sadness of my time there. As it stands, I believe that I’ll likely only go back to Jamaica one more time in my life. That chapter of my life is mostly closed. Continue reading “At War With Myself”