3/23/17 Every time I crack the door, You slither your way back in. Always to toy with my emotions, And play deep beneath my skin. With age is supposed to come wisdom, Not true in… More
Today’s post title is a line from my favorite movie and the quote for this month on my Gone with the Wind wall calendar. However, today ironically is about books. For years I’ve thought about publishing a book of my poetry. My best friend even prodded me a few times. But there was always some reason why I didn’t quite get it done. This very same friend thinks that New Years Resolutions are arbitrary and is also a famous author in his own right. While another of my friends (actually, I haven’t really decided if we’re to be friends) has already stumbled on one of his Resolutions – within 2 hours of ringing in the New Year.
We all aim to improve ourselves when the New Year rolls around. We endeavor to exercise (#1) and eat healthier (#2). For me, those two are among my short list of things I hope to accomplish in 2017. Much of 2016 was brutal. Although it was the year that we purchased our new home (isn’t it funny when they say do you rent or own and really the question should be, do you rent or mortgage), it was also one marred with enormous emotional struggles. Many days I just wasn’t okay. No matter how hard I tried to will myself into feeling better, it just didn’t happen and the meds only kept me precariously at the edge. Thus, my 3rd resolution is to overcome my daily defeat. Living with depression is difficult. As I’m sure those of you who cope with it can attest, that’s the understatement of the year. 2016. I am always so hard on myself, analyzing and over analyzing, etching circles around the reflective pond of my mind. There are moments where I’m so crippled by my despair that getting out of bed is a challenge. Some days it’s a challenge that I cannot overcome. Continue reading “Oh, Don’t Let’s Fool with Any Books Today”
It’s not often that I find myself sitting in front of my computer, tears streaming down my face. Then again, it’s not often that I’ve had such a life-altering 2-month period of my typically pleasantly uneventful life either.
I didn’t sleep much last night. My usually comfortable adjustable bed was no respite. I tossed and turned. I knew my earlier decision to embrace The Final Goodbye was the right one, but my feelings were bruised, my heart had again been broken. That first final goodbye did not stick and life had a way of showing me that it should have. This was on me, I tried to be someone who I ultimately wasn’t. I’m not cool and I can’t play it cool. I’m a bundle of emotions, always have been. I try to avoid situations that cause me emotional distress. This one I walked right into, eyes wide open, thinking that I was somehow immune to the realities of my almost 36 years of existence, that I was above or beyond insanity. I am a lot of things but what I am not is someone who is capable of compartmentalizing my feelings or who I am. Continue reading “Turning Over a New Leaf”
I often write or am most compelled to write when I am experiencing extreme highs or, most often, extreme lows. This is not one of those times. Rather, this is the time in between, where life has given you a bit of a lull before it again gears up for an extreme high or a disappointing low. I’ve come to appreciate these times meandering on the plateau, a time where you have the best vantage point of those mountains you anticipate climbing as well as the valleys where you hope not to dwell for too long.
A lot has happened over the past several months. A little over a month ago the hubby and I moved into our “forever” house. Let me explain this. I’m a nester. I like to find something and somewhere comfortable and then stay there. The past few years have been disruptive physically and emotionally. These last four years will have found us spending Christmas in 4 different “homes”. This year, we’re in what we anticipate being our final home. The house is everything either my husband or I wanted and needed. And minus a somewhat questionable neighbor (every neighborhood has at least one, we just happen to be living beside them), our ranch home is where we hope to live the rest of our days. Continue reading “The In Between Time”