Turning Over a New Leaf

It’s not often that I find myself sitting in front of my computer, tears streaming down my face. Then again, it’s not often that I’ve had such a life-altering 2-month period of my typically pleasantly uneventful life either.

I didn’t sleep much last night. My usually comfortable adjustable bed was no respite. I tossed and turned. I knew my earlier decision to embrace The Final Goodbye was the right one, but my feelings were bruised, my heart had again been broken. That first final goodbye did not stick and life had a way of showing me that it should have. This was on me, I tried to be someone who I ultimately wasn’t. I’m not cool and I can’t play it cool. I’m a bundle of emotions, always have been. I try to avoid situations that cause me emotional distress. This one I walked right into, eyes wide open, thinking that I was somehow immune to the realities of my almost 36 years of existence, that I was above or beyond insanity. I am a lot of things but what I am not is someone who is capable of compartmentalizing my feelings or who I am. Continue reading “Turning Over a New Leaf”

The In Between Time

I often write or am most compelled to write when I am experiencing extreme highs or, most often, extreme lows. This is not one of those times. Rather, this is the time in between, where life has given you a bit of a lull before it again gears up for an extreme high or a disappointing low. I’ve come to appreciate these times meandering on the plateau, a time where you have the best vantage point of those mountains you anticipate climbing as well as the valleys where you hope not to dwell for too long.

A lot has happened over the past several months. A little over a month ago the hubby and I moved into our “forever” house. Let me explain this. I’m a nester. I like to find something and somewhere comfortable and then stay there. The past few years have been disruptive physically and emotionally. These last four years will have found us spending Christmas in 4 different “homes”. This year, we’re in what we anticipate being our final home. The house is everything either my husband or I wanted and needed. And minus a somewhat questionable neighbor (every neighborhood has at least one, we just happen to be living beside them), our ranch home is where we hope to live the rest of our days. Continue reading “The In Between Time”

The Final Goodbye

It had the potential to fully deflate me, to cause me to spiral out of control, growing more and more angry with each passing breath. But as I stood on the precipice I realized that this time, I had a choice, that I was no longer the overly needy twenty-something-year-old. I was more prepared this time around. “It’s finally over,” I told my husband of the now defunct attempt at having an ex-boyfriend be in my life. True to his character, and as he’d done with every other false ending, he lifted my hand and kissed it. “You’ve still got me.”

I know I take him for granted, annoyed at times for the things that I cannot and maybe should not attempt to change. In this, he allowed me a wide girth. I took it, relished it, allowed conversations and thoughts to linger like a long-lost but not forgotten fragrance. I knew that I couldn’t relive the past, I couldn’t rewrite its story but I had hoped for another ending, a happy one. Maybe through friendship, we could find what we were truly meant to be. I wanted that friendship, that familiar connection. I even craved it. It’s sweet nectar seeming to be well within reach. I was wrong. I showed all my cards and left with nothing. Still, I accept the blame that is my own. Misguided missteps resulting in gut wrenching sadness. Continue reading “The Final Goodbye”