Dismantling

For some, the memory you have of finding out that Santa Claus wasn’t real is seared into your consciousness. And for me, it’s in the dismantling of my naivety. With the demolition of the LaToya who believed in fairy tales rises a LaToya who is more pragmatic and factual. There are things that you lose in your adulthood, a kind of innocence, a patina of life that you can’t get back. April 13th the dismantling of the person that I was unwillingly beginning to give way to the person that I must become. Survival.

Bleeding heart. Romantic. Those are among the words that I would have used to describe myself. Not now. Not ever again. I believed in a singular thing, no, not God (that’s a whole other blog entry). And when the dust settled, I was the only one who believed. I had regarded someone for such a long time, despite many reasons why a rational person would not. The heart wants what it wants. Then too, a heart is a living thing, and it too can get it all wrong and it too can die. I had to accept that image of what was in my head had no place in reality. Continue reading “Dismantling”

Can You See Me Now?

For weeks I’ve been manic. In truth, I have been for over a year or so, possibly more. With yesterday’s revelation of it being the beginning of a new chapter, it’s been challenging to move forward. We must look back to move forward. Despite our best intentions, life never seems to go quite as planned. There are things that I believe today that I did not a few years ago. As we grow up the things that once seemed right, aren’t. Instead, the lines blur. Right and wrong may be, different than you thought they once were. Or maybe they’re the same, you’re the one who’s now different. Changed.

I can’t believe that before I know it I’ll be 40. I don’t think that I’m adult enough to be 40-years-old, not when in areas of my life I’m underdeveloped, like a child. I have not been able to sleep for over a week. During those┬ásleepless nights, I’ve struggled with the person I’m supposed to be and the person who I am. There are people in our lives that you can’t seem to get past even though you must. And although it may just all be in your head, letting go forces you to take a painful look at yourself, who you were, who you are, and who you’re becoming.

Continue reading “Can You See Me Now?”