For over a decade I’ve held on to someone who was never mine, someone I should never have held in such regard. While there were some wonderful moments, they were far less than the pain I’ve carried throughout its duration. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you want, especially when you’re too blind to see that you’re not wanted.
My self worth was always defined by external forces, by other people, by two people. And since both of those relationships failed, I felt that I too was a failure. That I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worth it, that I was undesirable. With my formative years now decades behind me, I see where things took a developmental turn for the worst.
Continue reading “I’m Already Gone”
I know, it’s been almost a year. It’s not that my creativity or my love of writing has gone, it’s just been suppressed. I simply haven’t been writing anymore. So, what brings me out of my writing hiatus is the need to make sense of something that requires me to go old school, pen-to-paper, as they would say. What does one do with the knowledge that something that was once important is now missing entirely from your life? It’s like coping with death. The person that I am now is not the same as the person I was yesterday. There’ve been some hard lessons learned and a coldness that has been added to the way that I view some aspects of life.
I’ve been in an unhealthy mental place for the past couple of weeks. And to think, I’ve recently started exercising in the mornings. It has impacted my ability to work, to be at peace, and to maintain my sanity. So what do I do with everything that I’m feeling? Where do I put the sadness, the disappointment? How do you find the silver lining when all you can do is cry, hurt, and feel like a loser?
Continue reading “Pain at Any Age — Gasping for Air”
Yes, it’s true, I’m now the big 4-0. I wish I could blame my recent sleepless nights solely on this point, however, I cannot. Believe me when I say that there was no joy, no excitement in turning 40. Sure, for some it’s just a number, and in the grand scheme of things that’s true but it is a milestone birthday. When my husband called me one minute before midnight I whined about not wanting to be forty as if I was a child not wanting to go to my bed, afraid that there would be something that I would somehow miss.
This isn’t the 2020 any of us expected. Many of us looked forward to what we thought would be a banner year. There was just something sexy, new, and at its onset alluring about 2020. And yet, 2019 decided it would only go kicking and screaming. Now, with my birthday only a few hours behind me I suppose it’s as good a time as any to reflect on this past year. A defining year that ushered in such changes that life will never again be the same. Continue reading “My Life at 40”