At War With Myself

I feel like I’ve been at war with myself. The old me fighting and losing to the person that I am today. I suppose it’s just life, you reach points where you feel exhausted by it all. You long for the time when you were younger, free of responsibility and care. Then too, that view may be distorted, thinking that it was a simpler time. It also was. As the saying goes, if I knew then what I know now… I’d be in a much different place mentally and physically.

Alas, the look back is always much rosier than it actually was. However, when you take the time to consider what our youth was like, who wouldn’t want to return? For me, it’s more than nostalgia. I still miss my grandmother and others that have since passed on. I think of Jamaica and consider the joy and the sadness of my time there. As it stands, I believe that I’ll likely only go back to Jamaica one more time in my life. That chapter of my life is mostly closed. Continue reading “At War With Myself”

Sleep Depravation Genius

For the past two or so weeks, I have been struggling with sleep deprivation. It was in this depraved state that I realized that I should probably only drink one can of V8 +Energy and do so as soon as I wake up. I am apparently a lightweight when it comes to caffeine. The same equivalent to some energy drinks and just shy of the equivalent of a cup of coffee, its 80mg keeps me too wired. Maybe I should just do a shot of it each day since the 8 fluid ounces is too much. With less than 3 hours of sleep, I present the following for your consideration.

They say that “Nothing good happens after 2 AM.”

And when I say they, I’m really just referencing the season one episode of Have You Met My Mother by the same name. Unable to sleep, my mind was racing. However, it wasn’t in the way that I expected. There was a flow of creativity and excitement that I haven’t experienced in quite some time. I often ask myself, “what do I want to do when I grow up?” I get it, I’m knocking on the door of forty, and I still haven’t nailed down what truly gets me out of bed in the morning. Currently, it’s the need to pay bills. I’ve been working mostly non-stop since my teens, and I feel exhausted. However, it’s time to enjoy making the donuts! Continue reading “Sleep Depravation Genius”

The Gift of Love

It’s that special day, Valentine’s Day! For many, the day represents love. For others, it’s just another day that’s true meaning has been sapped up and spit out by commercialization. I believe it’s a little of both. Mostly, it’s just another day.

I feel like I am much changed from the person who gave up her virginity on this day twenty-one years ago. The emotions now removed from the experience, I look back at the memory of who I was. Fast forward twenty-one years, and I’m finally letting go of a unique but unappreciative and undeserving love (aren’t they all?!) from my past. I’m allowing life’s events to wash over me. I take a calming few deep breaths, to be human. This is me. Continue reading “The Gift of Love”