For Every Beginning…

There must be an ending. I realize that the last time I posted to my blog was back in April, an entire 5 months ago. A lot has happened during that time that seemed to meet its conclusion today. It has been a chaotic time, as life tends to be. And the recent downturn is one that I can trace back to late 2013, early 2014.

I’m depleted. Emotionally. Physically. But I’m not defeated. The past several years have been difficult as I have tried to adjust to being an independent contractor full-time. Having worked in a W-2 position for the majority of my adult life, the transition has been a bumpy one. In hindsight, I should’ve given far more consideration to choosing this path. I ultimately don’t regret the choices that I’ve made, but there are indeed still moments of pause. Continue reading “For Every Beginning…”

It’s Not Me, It Really Is You

It was like being sucker punched. The air left the room, and I was in free fall. Over the past several months I have been trying, without success, to be friends with an ex. I’ve devoted my past few blogs to the experience. I thought that if I could overcome the issues of the past, resolve my latent feelings, that we’d get to turn back the clock to before he solidified his place on the ex-list.

I had convinced myself each time that it would be different, that he had changed. Over half a decade had passed since we were involved. We’d both, on the surface, moved on with our lives. And yet, we found ourselves still enamored. Rather, I can only speak for myself. He still had a pull over me. I fell back into old habits, my walls and guard were down. With him, it always was. Easy. I was naive and trusting. I thought nothing of his actions in the past that had led to our initial parting of ways. He’d caused a fracture in my life that took me some time to overcome. And yet, all these years later I mistakenly thought that I was strong enough to endure an attempt at being friends. Continue reading “It’s Not Me, It Really Is You”

The Fictionalization of Reality, A Trivial Pursuit

I’ve been relatively radio silent on all social media and on my blog. I’ve cocooned myself, nursing self-induced injuries to my self-esteem and self-worth. Life has a way of reminding you that you’re not really the one in control. Control is often times an illusion under which lives turmoil and discomfort – reality.

I finally extricated someone from my life whom I cherished. The problem was that my feelings marred the picture of who they actually are. No matter the bad, I held on to the little slivers of good. Could they have been a soul mate? I thought so. In some ways, it felt unlike I’d ever felt before. However, I looked at that person through a very filtered lens. Ignoring the bad, relishing in the good. Just because you see someone in a particular way, it doesn’t mean that that’s who they really are. In the month since our last correspondence, I have not yet had a day where my thoughts don’t linger. Should’ve. Could’ve. Would’ve. Continue reading “The Fictionalization of Reality, A Trivial Pursuit”