Category: blog

I’ve been struggling the past few days. I’ll be honest, I thought that during this time my biggest concern would be in that of my recovery from surgery. Yes, there have been minor accomplishments and smiles. Yesterday was my poop and toot day. As a result of the surgery it took a while for my bowels to catch up and so I was told that it was pretty much smooth sailing once that happened. I was told to expect it to take a few days. And so as I dealt with being bloated and a bit uncomfortable it was quite welcomed that the thing that I get on to my hubby about, we both rejoiced in. When I tooted for the first time we both high-fived and then went back to watching television. Hours later the pooping happened. I’ll just leave it at that. No more gross sharing except to also say, I’ve never been so happy to look in the toilet and not see blood. Because of the issues I was having I was bleeding more often than I was not. So, now that the hysterectomy is complete, no more blood. Sure, no kids either but I do have some great step kids and a wonderful niece and nephew.

As if my life was something you’d watch on television I was texting with my boss all the way up to them rolling me away into the operating room. He shared with me some very distressing information that while it took my mind off of surgery, it made me more stressed than I’ve been in a while. Prior to them rolling me away the head anesthesiologist had to remove the heart monitor because my blood pressure spiked. Everyone thought that it was due to the surgery that was only moments away from happening but it was not. My work life, the very thing that I have spent the majority of my adult life devoting the most time to, it was becoming like a soap opera with rumors and hearsay and just a lot of ridiculousness that made me feel physically and emotionally ill. I know that I’ve not done any wrongdoing and so it’s hard to have to defend yourself when you feel that there should be no reason to do so. Continue reading “Muddled (Too Much Information)” →

I realize that it’s been almost a month since my last post. So much has happened during that time. All that while I thought, oh, I’ll remember to blog about it later. Well, later is now here and I’m just exhausted at the thought of everything that has transpired.

I know that I need to update my Advocare 24-Day Challenge blog. Kenrick and I completed it and while we did lose some inches, it wasn’t what I hoped it would be. I think that like anything else, if you aren’t as dedicated in the process it shows. We took the supplements and drank the drinks but my body just wasn’t cooperating. I’ve been struggling with my reproductive system for years. After having an IUD put in earlier this year I thought that the worst was behind me. However, I was wrong. Along with a persistent fibroid and constant bleeding I decided that now, at the age of 32, I would have a hysterectomy. The last time I thought of giving birth to children of my own I was married to my first husband. Since then I accepted that coupled with my health issues and my desire to be more work-oriented, I wasn’t going to have any kids. However, saying you’re not and then making it so that it’s impossible to do so are two different things. My surgery was yesterday. With one day in the hospital I’m now home for the remainder of my recovery. I should be able to return to work in the New Year.

But, I’m wondering, truly wondering if there is where I need to be. Up to the point where they were wheeling me into the operating room I was dealing with work stuff. A career that I’ve devoted myself to for the past 12 years, I’m now starting to reconsider. Only a hand full of people truly know how much of myself I have given to the job and so when my integrity and worth is called into question by people who just don’t know, who just won’t talk to me personally, it hurts like hell. That’s what has made this whole surgery and recovery time the most painful. It’s hard enough accepting that there are literally pieces of me that are now gone, but to also have the work that I’ve done… Yep, if only I could win the lottery. I’d put it all behind me. I think that I would pay off my bills, go cruising with my family and write. I’d write because I felt like it not because I hoped anyone would read it or that anything would come of it.

I feel a darkness right now. There is a sadness, a stress, there is great contemplation and even greater knowing that no matter all the good I have done in an instant I can be made to feel so inadequate. I’ve decided that for the time being I’d also remove all my co-workers from my FB. I think that I must keep it completely professional, no room for real candor. It hurts. My stomach hurts and so does my heart.

Also in the time that has passed since my last post I was asked if I wanted to be in contact with my ex-husband. I’ll allow you to chew on that for a while. I’ll say this much, I have written two poems regarding my feelings on that subject. And no, I didn’t reopen that door.

Since my last post I spent a wonderful week on vacation with my family which included time at Stone Mountain Park and The Ritz-Carlton Lodge, Reynolds Plantation. I also finished up what I plan on being my final semester in school or better yet, my last in-school continuing education. These past few weeks have also seen us go to a one income family, us complete all of our Christmas shopping, wrapping and mailing of Christmas cards by the 9th of December and of course now, me recouping from surgery.

I’m down and blue but not completely out. I need to remind myself and others who I really am. I’m tough, smart and pretty bad ass when I want to be. I’m going to try to enjoy this time with my husband who Happiness Is and ignore all the cowards and haters. I know who I am and I have nothing to hide.

Just a few months ago I was really seriously considering changing profession. I’m in so many ways the opposite of what the stereotype is. Granted, the stereotype of what it is to be a librarian is very different from what it used to be. I’m not as well-read as many of my counterparts. Despite my love of reading as a child, I became less interested in my 20s and it wasn’t until fairly recently that I’ve begun reading again. I’m much more interested in the administrative back-end of libraries. It’s like any other business. However, I do believe that our purpose is still much more pure than a regular business. At the end of the day I feel that my job is to facilitate our library’s mission, to improve and enhance the educational, cultural, and recreational lives of the communities served.

I honestly didn’t think that I would end up being a card toting certified librarian. I had hoped to blaze a trail in broadcast journalism. But I was love about being a Georgia Librarian is that like any other job there are so many wonderful nuances. Being a librarian is really not at all what it may seem and my librarianship is different from that of even my BFF/boss. I take pride in what it is that I do. There is so much that we as profession have had to overcome but there is also still so much more on the horizon. Libraries are so much more than books and working in libraries is the same. When I started off as a Children’s Page (shelver) in 2001 I had no idea that over a decade later I would not only be working for the same library but that I would devote so much of myself and my life to championing its vital importance.