Much Has Happened

I realize that it’s been almost a month since my last post. So much has happened during that time. All that while I thought, oh, I’ll remember to blog about it later. Well, later is now here and I’m just exhausted at the thought of everything that has transpired.

I know that I need to update my Advocare 24-Day Challenge blog. Kenrick and I completed it and while we did lose some inches, it wasn’t what I hoped it would be. I think that like anything else, if you aren’t as dedicated in the process it shows. We took the supplements and drank the drinks but my body just wasn’t cooperating. I’ve been struggling with my reproductive system for years. After having an IUD put in earlier this year I thought that the worst was behind me. However, I was wrong. Along with a persistent fibroid and constant bleeding I decided that now, at the age of 32, I would have a hysterectomy. The last time I thought of giving birth to children of my own I was married to my first husband. Since then I accepted that coupled with my health issues and my desire to be more work-oriented, I wasn’t going to have any kids. However, saying you’re not and then making it so that it’s impossible to do so are two different things. My surgery was yesterday. With one day in the hospital I’m now home for the remainder of my recovery. I should be able to return to work in the New Year.

But, I’m wondering, truly wondering if there is where I need to be. Up to the point where they were wheeling me into the operating room I was dealing with work stuff. A career that I’ve devoted myself to for the past 12 years, I’m now starting to reconsider. Only a hand full of people truly know how much of myself I have given to the job and so when my integrity and worth is called into question by people who just don’t know, who just won’t talk to me personally, it hurts like hell. That’s what has made this whole surgery and recovery time the most painful. It’s hard enough accepting that there are literally pieces of me that are now gone, but to also have the work that I’ve done… Yep, if only I could win the lottery. I’d put it all behind me. I think that I would pay off my bills, go cruising with my family and write. I’d write because I felt like it not because I hoped anyone would read it or that anything would come of it.

I feel a darkness right now. There is a sadness, a stress, there is great contemplation and even greater knowing that no matter all the good I have done in an instant I can be made to feel so inadequate. I’ve decided that for the time being I’d also remove all my co-workers from my FB. I think that I must keep it completely professional, no room for real candor. It hurts. My stomach hurts and so does my heart.

Also in the time that has passed since my last post I was asked if I wanted to be in contact with my ex-husband. I’ll allow you to chew on that for a while. I’ll say this much, I have written two poems regarding my feelings on that subject. And no, I didn’t reopen that door.

Since my last post I spent a wonderful week on vacation with my family which included time at Stone Mountain Park and The Ritz-Carlton Lodge, Reynolds Plantation. I also finished up what I plan on being my final semester in school or better yet, my last in-school continuing education. These past few weeks have also seen us go to a one income family, us complete all of our Christmas shopping, wrapping and mailing of Christmas cards by the 9th of December and of course now, me recouping from surgery.

I’m down and blue but not completely out. I need to remind myself and others who I really am. I’m tough, smart and pretty bad ass when I want to be. I’m going to try to enjoy this time with my husband who Happiness Is and ignore all the cowards and haters. I know who I am and I have nothing to hide.

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