I’ve been struggling the past few days. I’ll be honest, I thought that during this time my biggest concern would be in that of my recovery from surgery. Yes, there have been minor accomplishments and smiles. Yesterday was my poop and toot day. As a result of the surgery it took a while for my bowels to catch up and so I was told that it was pretty much smooth sailing once that happened. I was told to expect it to take a few days. And so as I dealt with being bloated and a bit uncomfortable it was quite welcomed that the thing that I get on to my hubby about, we both rejoiced in. When I tooted for the first time we both high-fived and then went back to watching television. Hours later the pooping happened. I’ll just leave it at that. No more gross sharing except to also say, I’ve never been so happy to look in the toilet and not see blood. Because of the issues I was having I was bleeding more often than I was not. So, now that the hysterectomy is complete, no more blood. Sure, no kids either but I do have some great step kids and a wonderful niece and nephew.

As if my life was something you’d watch on television I was texting with my boss all the way up to them rolling me away into the operating room. He shared with me some very distressing information that while it took my mind off of surgery, it made me more stressed than I’ve been in a while. Prior to them rolling me away the head anesthesiologist had to remove the heart monitor because my blood pressure spiked. Everyone thought that it was due to the surgery that was only moments away from happening but it was not. My work life, the very thing that I have spent the majority of my adult life devoting the most time to, it was becoming like a soap opera with rumors and hearsay and just a lot of ridiculousness that made me feel physically and emotionally ill. I know that I’ve not done any wrongdoing and so it’s hard to have to defend yourself when you feel that there should be no reason to do so.

Since then I’ve had issues sleeping. The thing is, work has always been the one thing in my life that I’ve given myself to. I enjoy most of what I do and I love that I’m able to work with my best friend and with some pretty great people. The Percocet that I’ve been prescribed in the past was always good at providing pain relief and that wonderfully euphoric somehow this batch is not taking the edge off at all. So for almost a week I’ve just been on edge. It’s such an awful feeling. With my husband not working feeling as though my job was somehow on the line made me feel restless and hopeless. I’m coping, but it’s a very hard road given the additional physical discomfort of just having had surgery.

I may be going into the office for a little bit tomorrow or Tuesday. I’ve gotta make sure that the staff and bills are paid. I keep dreaming about the lottery. It’s actually quite boring. I dream that we win it, that I pay off all our bills, my parents, brother’s and my BFFs bills and I simply write and go cruising. A girl can dream, right?!

Despite having finished our Christmas shopping, wrapping and cards about a week ago we’d not put up our Christmas decorations. After a brief nap I awoke to Kenrick attempting to put out our decorations. I of course had to intervene. So now our tree is up, porch decorated, and the smells of the season fill our house.

Today’s poem is appropriate given the way I’ve been feeling for the past few days, I Don’t Know.