I Should be Asleep

Sometimes I think that I’m a bit manic. What I mean is that there are days where I feel so apathetic and others where I’m completely driven. I must admit that I really enjoy the latter. Here I am at 1:30 in the morning and rather than going to bed I have all this pent-up energy and I don’t know what to do to expel it. Okay, well, clearly I do. I suppose it would help if I also took my night meds to help put me to sleep. One moment while I do just that.

That’s much better. You know, I’d be much better off if I took them earlier. I think part of the reason why I’m so excited is because I’ve completed the initial project that I had for my Pakistani client. I put in almost 60 hours working on rewriting and creating documentation, improving workflow, creating policies and procedures where there was none and essentially flexed my administrative muscle in the process. After leaving my career in public library administration in February I felt I needed to throw myself into a project that allowed me to utilize the skill set that I enjoy the most. And so I labored for the past two weeks on what I believe is a monumental final project. I created spreadsheets with slightly sophisticated formulas (only slightly because it has been a little while since I’ve gotten into the really hard stuff) and am even planning on assisting the client long-term. At least, I hope to as now I’m running into the possible issue of having too many projects going on. Well, let me dial that back a bit and explain.

It’s been really hard for me (and my hubby who has to put up with me) since I somewhat rashly decided to sell our home and move back to my old stomping ground (yay, C-town!). Since then my hubby has had two employers. This last one he’s very happy with which in turn makes me very happy. I love when he’s enjoying what he does, when he gets fulfillment out of his job. I used to have that. I love working with my best friend and for many years I truly loved what I did. However, as budgets got tighter and our “tenure” grew longer, I’m sure you can see how sometimes hard decisions had to be made. I liked how predictable it all was. But I also enjoyed the occasional chaos that working in public libraries provided. When we moved in with my brother (still, a decision I’m glad we made) everything changed. I was no longer bringing in a decent paycheck. I actually wasn’t bringing in any, nothing consistent at least. There have been plenty of moments where I felt lost, angry and even disenchanted with our circumstances.

Depending on the day or even sometimes the moment I feel pretty bummed. On Thursday I was stressed. I’ve been in many ways working for almost no compensation but still putting in 100% of me. I don’t mind the hard work, I really don’t. However, it’s hard to reconcile putting in all the work and not being able to pay our bills. That’s been the real eye-opener. Sure, I keep hoping that the hubby will hit the lottery. After all, he always squirrels away a few bucks each week just so he can play. But there are times when even his $2 per week guilty pleasure is irksome to me. When I’m annoyed I remind him of all the things he could purchase with the money that uses to play the “poor man’s game.”

My mind is starting to quiet. Sleep is coming so I must make this quick. I’m becoming more busy because I’m becoming a lot more aggressive on Elance and I have a few projects that I’m working on even outside of that. I’m excited about the things that I get to do but I’m also hoping to be able to go from managing handfuls of projects to maybe two or three that I can live on. In just a few days I start training for my project with Working Solutions and I’m really excited about that. I’m also hoping that the $15 I spent on extra Connects on Elance will result in getting another client that will pay a decent wage. Then I’ll be another step closer to making my work-at-home business a true reality, not just a pathetic attempt to avoid getting back into the “real world.” I did forget to mention that I did sign a writing contract. That seems so strange to me. I really never thought that I’d ever have an actual writing contract. And yes, I’m still hoping to publish a book. I realize that I have so much poetry I could’ve done a book of poetry but really, do you know anyone who actually buys poetry books?! Lastly, I took a glimpse at my new favorite blogger’s recent post, How to Make Money Blogging, which she says she posted just for me, and since I didn’t have time to read it I did at least grab something from it that I did immediately. I now have a donate button on my blog. Yep, a girl’s gotta eat! And even though my blog isn’t read or subscribed to by a lot of people (this is what I glean from WordPress and Google Analytics), I figured I’d add it anyway.

Okay, that’s enough for me, really. I’ve been at this for about thirty minutes and my eyelids feel like they weigh a ton. So, in closing, tonight’s poem is Walls. It’s a “new to you” poem as I’ve never publicly posted this one before. I wrote it back in 2010 prior to meeting my husband. Needless to say, my husband knocked those walls down! Oh, and if somehow this post didn’t make a lot of sense, let’s just blame it on my stubbornness. When I should have been sleeping, this is what I was doing!

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