LaToya M. Davidson-Perez

It frustrates me when ‘regular’ people look at depression and those who suffer from it as a minor thing. I grow weary of being told, snap out of it. Yeh, like I never thought about that. If only it were that easy. I know it seems that those of us who

suffer from depression like to wallow in it but it’s not really a choice. It’s even more hard for me because when my major episodes hit, as they often do seasonally, my OCD ways give way to despair and so many things get left by the wayside. I’m generally a meticulous person but when my depression gets bad I allow chores to pile up and it’s like those Cymbalta commercials that say you have no interest in anything and you have to wind yourself up.

I have been put on a litany of medications from A to Z and they seem to work for a while and then wear off. I don’t want a magic pill, although Oxycodone is pretty close. No, I’m not addicted to the stuff, I’ve had to take it on a few occasions and must say that the euphoric feeling is calming and makes my moods better. I guess that tends to be the case with controlled substances. LOL. It’s difficult though, there are many days where it takes everything in me to get out of bed. What makes it worse is on the weekends. I often stay in bed, which I love, but it’s Sunday when I get in the mood to do all the things around the house that I had been neglecting. By that time I talk myself out of doing it for fear of exhausting myself for the work week.

I only hope that, being a self-motivator, I can get out of this slump soon. Even when forcing myself to do something I am now less likely to come out of my slump after engaging in the activity. I have a great guy who’s accepting and understanding of my moods but I don’t like being a burden and I don’t like that we allow each other to be crutches for one another. I need to find a fix before I get too far gone. Kenrick and I started exercising today and getting into a healthier and more active routine. I am hopeful that this new regime will help as the very last thing I want to do is to be on anymore medications. Off to take my night meds. Sigh.

It’s now March and I have no resolutions and no list either. I’m sure at some point I did. It seems, as is so often the case these days that time truly waits for no one and I’m struggling just to keep up. Now it hasn’t been a dreadful year by any stretch of the imagination. This is after all March Madness! In my weary hands is a new iPad (1st generation) that was gifted to me, inside my garage is a brand new car with 7 years of pre-paid service (actually it’s built into the financing), and nestled beside me peacefully snoring is the man who one day might… well, you get the picture. Despite my mounting debt and hellacious days and nights at work, there’s a lot to be thankful and appreciative for.

As this is March Madness I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my trip to the emergency room and several different doctors appointments. I even have one in a matter of hours and another tomorrow. Whether it be mental, physical, psychological or whatever, something always seems to ail me. I take so much of life so seriously. That’s my nature. I’m naturally a perfectionist and my compulsion, my gift and my curse, slowly chisels away at me. I’m but only 30 and yet I feel as though these tired bones need a rest. Continue reading “Still No Resolution” →

There is now a weariness to me. I feel haggard, tired, like someone drowning without a life preserver. Barry has reminded me that there have been a few times in my past where I have felt this way, so unhappy with my job and my life that I become ready to walk away from it all, hang up the librarian bun and glasses and move on to greener pastures. I know he’s right. He generally is when it comes to me and my moods. However, I do feel physically different this time around. The stress of it all has taken its toll over the years and as I grow older I am less and less able to effectively handle it. I know that I’m exacting and that I can be very demanding of myself and others and extremely critical. However, I am a firm believer in ensuring that you should always strive to put your best foot forward. However, that task can be the most challenging part of ones day!