Still No Resolution

It’s now March and I have no resolutions and no list either. I’m sure at some point I did. It seems, as is so often the case these days that time truly waits for no one and I’m struggling just to keep up. Now it hasn’t been a dreadful year by any stretch of the imagination. This is after all March Madness! In my weary hands is a new iPad (1st generation) that was gifted to me, inside my garage is a brand new car with 7 years of pre-paid service (actually it’s built into the financing), and nestled beside me peacefully snoring is the man who one day might… well, you get the picture. Despite my mounting debt and hellacious days and nights at work, there’s a lot to be thankful and appreciative for.

As this is March Madness I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my trip to the emergency room and several different doctors appointments. I even have one in a matter of hours and another tomorrow. Whether it be mental, physical, psychological or whatever, something always seems to ail me. I take so much of life so seriously. That’s my nature. I’m naturally a perfectionist and my compulsion, my gift and my curse, slowly chisels away at me. I’m but only 30 and yet I feel as though these tired bones need a rest.

I had hoped that in this New Year, and I realize it’s generally never too late to start, that more of my life would be in order. I like for things to be a specific and fairly regimented way. It’s not. I’m learning to adjust to living with someone, not something I usually find appealing. Quite honestly, I still don’t. Each of us has our own way of doing things and I just don’t like too much change. So that’s it, March is my month of change. March has forced me, through hospitalization and exhaustion, to think about the things I need, want, and should do without. I bought a new car because I needed it, psychologically and otherwise, I needed it. Certainly, I did not need the second car payment as I was nearing the end of my first, but I needed my space, my perfect environment, my singular cocoon for me to be quirky me. I think we all need that in some way, our own space to be, to unwind, to breathe. Right now I can do so in my new car. Gray, as I call her, has that wonderful newness, that pristine perfection. It calms me.

I am grateful, really. Despite my constant complaints and bitching, I have so much to be happy about. I could be richer, have a better paying job, but there are times, many of them now, where what you have really is enough.

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