Can You See Me Now?

For weeks I’ve been manic. In truth, I have been for over a year or so, possibly more. With yesterday’s revelation of it being the beginning of a new chapter, it’s been challenging to move forward. We must look back to move forward. Despite our best intentions, life never seems to go quite as planned. There are things that I believe today that I did not a few years ago. As we grow up the things that once seemed right, aren’t. Instead, the lines blur. Right and wrong may be, different than you thought they once were. Or maybe they’re the same, you’re the one who’s now different. Changed.

I can’t believe that before I know it I’ll be 40. I don’t think that I’m adult enough to be 40-years-old, not when in areas of my life I’m underdeveloped, like a child. I have not been able to sleep for over a week. During those sleepless nights, I’ve struggled with the person I’m supposed to be and the person who I am. There are people in our lives that you can’t seem to get past even though you must. And although it may just all be in your head, letting go forces you to take a painful look at yourself, who you were, who you are, and who you’re becoming.

I think that I’m a good person. I always try to be courteous and considerate. But does that wholly describe what it is to be a good person? More often than not I do the right thing, I understand and follow social graces, and although I’m an introverted extrovert, some say that I’m even likable (yeh, that was my attempt at humor). But despite all of those things, I know that I’m broken. I live inside of my head and am always thinking. I’ve also lived with depression for the majority of my life. Living with this constant companion often further compounds what can be stressful situations.

In recent nights as I’ve laid in bed, unable to sleep, I try to pinpoint what triggered the break. Better yet, I think about where it started and how it continued. I am not blameless in that break, then too, I wasn’t prepared or equipped to navigate it. I suppose I just didn’t realize the long-term harm I could be causing myself. Somethings that happened in my idyllic childhood set me on a path that I’m only now beginning to understand.

There’s still a lot that I must sift through. But this new chapter is as much about understanding the past as it is in letting go of it. Otherwise, it will remain in control of my future. I didn’t go to sleep until 6 am this morning. And in that time I wrote seven poems. Yes, seven. I only write on two occasions, when I’m happy and when I’m sad. The latter is true more often than not. All that’s to say, things are never what they seem on the surface. What is behind your smile?

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