This post is many things. It’s a love letter, it’s a eulogy, but most importantly, it’s acceptance. And while there is a temptation to outpour all the thoughts that are inside my head, I will respectfully refrain. Also, it being Friday the 13th is not lost on me.
Why? Because sometimes we should focus on the destination and jettison the attachment and constant looking back at the journey. How many times should we analyze the same unchanging situation? A fixed point in the past will always be a fixed point in the past. Don’t pin your future to it. You can’t take it with you, but you sure can stubbornly drag it along for years and refuse to let it go. After time you become comfortable in the discomfort.
As one grows older and theoretically wiser, we are supposed to become more capable of learning how to move on and let go, to accept the things that we can’t change about ourselves and others. And while I believe that I’ve incrementally been able to do so, for all of us some things remain, memories, people, things that you can’t seem to overcome and stubbornly refuse to let go.
For me, today marks the end as well as the beginning of a new personal chapter in my life. I am taking my first tentative steps, free from a period of my life that has long caused consternation. After a years-long rejection that almost destroyed me, I am grateful for the confirmation that it is okay and it’s time for me to move on. It was my fault for not paying closer attention, for reading between the lines that were only in my head. I take ownership of my inability to accept the reality that existed beyond my self-imposed reality distortion field.
Far too often we beat ourselves up when life doesn’t turn out the way we’d hoped. Why won’t the square peg fit in the round hole?! However, aren’t we typically the ones standing in our own way? Sure, we’re entitled to our little pity parties and even to wallow in the pits of despair for a while. But I’m guilty of being the type of person that lives there rather than accepting it as the inconvenient layover that it should be. I’m the type of person needing to be told point blank that my head and my heart are wrong and even after that, being told and told and told. Masochistic euphoria.
Sometimes my moments of actualization and understanding come after repeatedly failing. Indeed, I can be both smart and stupid and both at the same time. It’s like telling a child that the stove is hot and the child ignoring you and touching it anyway. Then, before the burn can heal, touching the hot stove again and again with the very same hand! That’s also to say; I’m the type of person who has difficulties in areas of my life accepting that my perception is wrong, that the burns actually hurt, repeated exposure is not recommended and could’ve been avoided, and that we all need time to process what happened and heal.
So this is my time to heal, to accept the rejection, to accept that I’m still me and that my crazy, is my crazy and that it’s okay. However, what’s no longer okay is to reside in a place where any version of me can’t overcome and learn what’s meant by having had the experience. Rejection isn’t always a failure; it can be the reward to a battle you couldn’t win.
With tears in my eyes and a heart that couldn’t withstand more exposure to pain and rejection, I had to say goodbye. Today is the very first day of my working toward meaning and embracing it, seeing that though battered and bruise, I’m not less than. I’m going to let this rejection wash over me like the cod liver oil that it is, for my own good. It’s a new day where rather than immediately packing it all away on a faraway shelf in the recesses of my mind, I look at the beauty and beast of it, fully exposed in the light of day before putting it away for good. Why hold on to something that was never yours?
Life isn’t perfect; we aren’t perfect. We are perfectly flawed. We love, we lose, and sometimes we win some. We get back up and start on the journey again. It will be a long one, and you may not make it to where you thought your destination would be. But you’ll make it to where you’re supposed to be. Take in a deep breath, no more waiting to exhale. You got this!