Into Darkness

It started on Monday evening. I felt it creep in like the fog that it was on my mind. By Tuesday I was bedridden. I could not function and I was in despair. In the past, my BFF (who was also my boss) would allow me to retreat into solitude for a few days. Now, I’ve had to develop better coping mechanisms and skills. Gone are the days of being a hermit, I can afford maybe one day or so before I have to dig deep and propel myself forward. Was it because I’d not worked out since Friday or was it just simply another one of my low points? Today I began re-emerging from the fog.

I’d managed to also miss two days of taking my antidepressants and communication issues between myself and my hubby only seemed to exacerbate an already stressful time. What I’ve learned to do is not to always fight the lows. I used to become so much angrier when my moods dipped. With age and experience, I know that the only way to deal with it is simply to ride it out. I’ve accepted that there will simply be days where I have to stay to myself and by myself. I have to do nothing and allow myself the time to heal. If you listen closely, bad days can also be a result of your mind and/or body telling you that there is something else that’s wrong.

The past few days and nights my mind has wrestled with how much I miss my grandmother and I now realize that it’s even more than that. I keep thinking about how much farther away I am moving from my past. I graduated high school 17 years ago this year! My childhood and its memories become much more distant with each passing day. I slipped into spending too much time in my head, in my thoughts. I became fearful and stressed.

I know that I can’t stay there. I can’t allow the darkness to consume me for too long. We all have out demons, those things that we always carry with us. But it’s a part of the juggling act of life – maintaining your sanity. Some days are much easier than others. And although being in that dark place is hard, I now know to expect it and am now able to simply listen to the undercurrent, to see through the noise. Yesterday, I spent the entire day in bed watching 30 for 30. I love documentaries and even though I’m not a huge sports person, I appreciate a well-told story. Watching documentaries and other things of interest allow my mind to quiet itself and become steadily engaged in something that isn’t about me, my life or the thoughts in my head. It also allows my subconscious to process information without my hovering over it.

I don’t remember being depressed much in my childhood. It started in my later teen years and with life experiences it worsened. There are days like yesterday where I can’t will myself to get out of the bed. And then there are days where I’m okay. I am grateful to have a support system that allows me to go through my moments of despair and not be overly critical about my need to tune out and to turn off. No one’s perfect and as much as I may try to be, I know that I’m not perfect. It just feels really great to admit when I’m just not okay and to also know that even if today isn’t a great day, it doesn’t mean that tomorrow has to suck as well. Yesterday I was down in the dumps and today, well, today was the day where I dug deep and found that extra will to get out of bed and to reenter the world of the living. Not all days are good days but the bad ones don’t have to ruin everything.

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