I’m not sure why I always seem to drag my feet when it comes to writing. I’m always composing in my head but I always find that I’m so busy to carve out the little time needed to simply make a post. It’s been a challenging time. I’m still coming to grips with the passing of my grandmother. It still doesn’t feel real. Since her death I have spent an exorbitant amount of time thinking about my mortality. Just the other night I sat in bed and had a lively discussion with my husband about what happens after we die. Granted, this discussion was further fueled by having watched the movie, The Judge, starring Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Duvall. I’d already been thinking dark thoughts, what happens in the movie, spoiler alert, made me give it even more consideration.

Is it wrong that when I got home I Googled how physics may explain the possibility of an afterlife. I expressed to my hubby that as much as I’d like to believe that there is something after we’ve died, that I just don’t think that our spirit and consciousness requires the living human body to survive. In a nutshell, I think that the energy that was contained within us simply dissipates and is released and absorbed by the environment. Yes, a dismal outlook but one that I’m actually more willing to accept than the one suggested by religion. My husband and I differ a bit in our belief and limited understanding of what happens after we die. He too doesn’t believe that there is an afterlife as described in the scriptures, but unlike me he’s more comfortable believing that something, rather than nothing, happens to us.

I want more than anything to believe that I’ll see my grandmother again. However, I believe that she, like those who have passed away before her, simply live on through those they leave behind and that when those people pass away so too does the memory of that person. I suppose that’s a good argument in support of living your life to the fullest. A friend of mine once said that he has never felt the need to ask if there was a God or a higher power, that he just wanted to make it through this life. There have been periods where I find that I don’t need to ask the question either. But it does sadden me at times to think that when this life is over, it’s really over. Then there’s the other side of me that looks forward to some eternal rest.

I don’t say this to take away from what others may believe. It’s simply to express how I feel and what I think. I’m the last person to force anyone to believe as I do, and know that by even expressing these thoughts that I will disappoint some of my family. But it is what it is and we can’t please everyone. I’ve been trying to be okay with myself, who I am, what I think, how I feel and what I believe and the journey, well, the journey really is something.

So, for today’s poem I’m going to go a little out of order as I don’t want to unveil a poem written about my loved ones in such a somber post. Instead, I’ll share a new-to-you poem, Old Life.