Conceal, Don’t Feel

Lyrics to my new favorite Disney film would best sum up the way I’m feeling at the moment. Queen Elsa laments in the award-winning song, Let It Go, “conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know, well, now they know.” And now you’ll know. Leaving the library was the right decision for me. I have no regrets about what I accomplished and on leaving on my own terms. What is irksome is that despite trying to remain diplomatic regarding my feelings on the inner workings of what led up to my decision, rumors abound. People are always bitter. You learn that when you’re in management. You can never make everyone happy. Sometimes you try. However, it’s impossible to do so. People are always going to be critical of decisions and actions you make. It’s ultimately up to you to rise above them.

I sometimes think that somewhere out there it’s being thought that I am less than the person that I really am. I have earned my accomplishments and honors and it does bother me when people tarnish my reputation. They always say that when the chips are down you know who your true friends are. I completely agree with that sentiment. I have heard various things that have been said about me and it saddens me to think that anyone who truly knows me would buy into the rumors. I’m the type of person who believes that if you have something to say about me or if you have questions about me, just ask. When someone resigns there is often some sort of controversy attached to it. However, at this juncture I feel that many of the people who once supported and appreciated my contributions feel as though they must, in my absence, tear me down. It’s disappointing and very tacky. My best friend and I have gone from being socially accepted and desired in our professional circles to being an outcast. No one has asked for details, choosing rather to listen to very untrue and exaggerated rumors. There have been moments where I have felt embarrassed to be a part of Georgia public library community.

With the exception of applying to one job in libraries, I have sought employment elsewhere. My skill set is such that libraries is only a small part of who I am and what it is I can do. Sure, being unemployed for over a month has brought about a lot of challenges, but such is life and I’m okay with going through these low points. Adversity is a big part of life. And so, as the people I once knew conjure up mean-spirited and incorrect things to say about me, I turn the other cheek. I’m human, it hurts, but at the end of the day, I know that I know the truth and that people say and do things when they’re hurt and upset. Sure, I don’t like feeling like an outcast and I don’t like for things to be said about me that aren’t true, but there are other things that are far more important in life that are worth my attention. Words hurt. People hurt. Haters are going to hate. But life and experience has taught me that some things should be ignored. Outside of my comments about it now, I’ve been just fine with closing that chapter of my life. I write about it because it’s just annoying.On to better and more interesting things. The interview that I had earlier this week went very well. To be quite honest, even if I don’t get that job I am glad that I interviewed for it. Having personally conducted at least 100 interviews, this one felt more like a conversation between two people with similar interests. That is to say, I enjoyed it. That occurred on Tuesday. I’d previously written that I felt that I would get a job this week. I’ll settle for having had a job interview. Additionally, the listing for the only library job I applied for closes tomorrow. We’ll see what comes of it. I say that with the rumors and present ill feelings in mind. Regardless, I know what I’m worth and what I bring to the table. So, if neither of these employers see that, then it must not have been meant to be. I’d be disappointed but I’m absolutely okay with that.

On Wednesday I decided to go ahead and legally change my name. It was such a stress for me to decide before remarrying. I’d already gone through the process of changing it when I first married, LaToya Cotton, and then changing it back to my maiden name afterwards. I just didn’t want to go through all of that again and decided when I married again in 2012 not to change it again. However, as I get older, and because my mom is Mrs. Davidson, not me, I finally decided to go ahead and do it now. I’m doing the hyphenated last name because I vowed never to remove my maiden name again. I accomplished a lot with that name and I’m keeping it. I also am attached to my middle names and didn’t want to change that either. As a result, I will have a total of 5 names, LaToya Mesha-Nichole Davidson-Perez. Yep, 5 names and 2 hyphens. Now my biggest concern (outside of shelling out $285 to do so) is how to sign my name. I already have issues with signing my name in small spaces because it’s already long. I sign it LaToya M. Davidson. Now I’ll be signing LaToya M. Davidson-Perez. I like my middle initial and so that stays too. That evening I also went through updating my online profiles to show my hyphenated name. In some cases I was able to change the URLs to include it. In others, like my main personal email address that I have through Gmail, I’m not changing. Because Google accounts are more like an identity rather than just an email account, I decided that I didn’t want to go through the headache of setting up an entirely new Google existence. Thus, my display name was all I could really change. Besides, I’m still LaToya Davidson even with the hyphenation. I’m still thinking about what to do with my Twitter account. I considered changing my handle to LaToyaDavidsonPerez but because of the infamous character limits in Twitter, my display name would also have to be stylized as LaToya Davidson-Perez is too long by one character. I know, silly. I also purchased and mapped the domain, http://www.latoyadavidsonperez.com.

I also decided to give some attention to my old Blogger account. When I decided to move to WordPress I at first did a URL forwarding to my new site. At the time it was a hosted blog but when I decided to use the .com side of WordPress I left the Blogger site with a message saying that I had moved and gave my new URL. Well, I decided that since Blogger is some people’s cup of tea that I’d see about simply cross-posting. I finally got around to setting up an account with IFTT and used their WP to Blogger recipe. I think that if it works, this will be the first post on both sites. In the wee hours of the morning I’ve also been editing my résumé. I neglected to mention my role in developing a productivity suite for libraries, my involvement in Library Fair and Casino Night and my WPM. The frustrating thing is that since I’m on several sites I have to update them all. I’ll truly be happy when I can simply go back to maintaining my LinkedIn profile.

Well, it’s off to watch some stuff on my DVR and get some reading done. Yesterday was my maternal grandmother’s 86th birthday. I suppose it’s fitting that today’s poem is about her husband, my grandfather. He passed away in 2006. It was truly a sad time. However, he died on his terms. He reached a point where he was mentally ready and as a result, he ultimately slipped away from us. I miss him and think about him frequently. He played a big role in my life. I will always love my Papa.

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