A Ball of Confusion

I am ardent in my belief that more often than not you can be your own worst enemy. In my case there are many times where I just can’t get outside of my own head. For someone who has struggled with depression all of my adult life, being stuck in your head is the worst place to be. What this often translates to is being crippled by the demons of self-doubt and self-doubt. It’s been pretty bad the past few days. Then I look around our suite and see it still in complete disarray and think, it’s been weeks.

Yesterday I was feeling a little better and made some really good progress in unpacking and sorting through items we’d be donating. K’s first day of work was yesterday. I was excited for him. But I also felt horrible about not working. I felt bad about not doing more here at home while I job hunt and then became more frustrated by the lack of desire to do so.

I stumbled upon the perfect job yesterday. I saw the job description and thought that, not only on paper, I was the perfect candidate. It really would be great. Even with it paying around half of what I was previously making, it’d still be perfect. It’s not about the money. Anyone who’s worked in a career for over a decade can tell you that it’s never really about the money. My only hope is that I will be seriously considered for the position. And yes, I keep telling myself that if it’s meant to be it will be. Having so many degrees and experience can sometimes be a curse, not a blessing. I’m not one for downgrading my résumé credentials. But I’m also not looking for employment in Atlanta. I’m specifically looking for a position in the area that I live in. Also preferable would be a Monday to Friday position. After working for one employer for over 12 years it has made me more in tune with what it is that I want out of the rest of my career.

K’s now at work and after staying up until almost 4am I’m finally awake. I need to be productive for the next few hours. I’m trying to get myself out of my funk without the aid of any additional medication. I accept that I have depression but I try not to be wholly ruled by it. Yes, I have to take some medication but I try to only take what I am required to take. It’s hard. Very hard at times. I know that I’ve only been unemployed for 3 weeks but that time has felt like an eternity. I’m anxious to be back in a job. I much prefer being a productive and contributing member of society. I still have plenty of work years in me and I’m hoping that I don’t have to be unemployed for too much longer.

The upside to all of this, as one must find the silver lining, is that I am now always with family and I get to see my nephew and niece weekly. Living under the same roof as my brother has been pretty nice. We’re definitely siblings! Today’s poem, of course it’d be melancholic, Never. Some of its lines are truly reflective of how I presently feel. Granted, I know that it’s temporary but it’s never any fun drowning in your own despair. I will say that writing does make me happy. Truly. It’s just frustrating that most of my recent blog posts have been laced with despair. Alas, the woes of being human.

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