The Best Thing I Never Had

How many times do we have to get knocked down before we don’t get up again? How many no’s do you have to endure? How many times must your heart break? I suppose I’m about to find out. Death, taxes, and pain. Those are the guarantees of life. Sure, sprinkle in a few other happy moments along the way. Those are few and far between and in many cases, they don’t sustain you during the times, the many times where life has knocked you down, drives over you, and then backs up again.

Am I surprised? Should I be surprised? Probably not. It’s the tale as old as time, oh, shut up Beauty and the Beast, this ain’t no fairy tale. You open yourself up fully to someone and then they’re like, “not today.” Well, not any day. Some problems can’t be solved. Some people will just never, some people will always disappoint you. I’m sure that there’s some law of physics that covers that.

I’m not a teenager anymore. Regardless of my not living it up during my teen years or even my 20s, that’s on me. We don’t choose who we love nor can we pick those who love us in return. Doing the right thing, being true to yourself, it doesn’t mean that life is going to be a bed of roses, although, you’re guaranteed to get the thorns. Sometimes you just want a break, need a break, but it doesn’t come. You can see it, you can almost feel the warmth of its embrace, but it’s only for a moment. You empty yourself out to someone and it’s not enough. You’re not enough. Trust me, it’s like rejection on this astronomical level where you’re left numb. Or is that just the medication?

Don’t ask me if I’m okay. The answer, for now, is, “no.” I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to be coddled. I don’t want your pity. I just want for you to not have existed. I want never to have loved. Did you like it when I gave you my all? You just have to win and I have to lose. Yeh, I’m talking to you No. 4! Your message has been received. It’s loud and clear. You couldn’t help but to further humiliate me before you pushed me out the door. You gave nothing and lost nothing. You are, after all, the best thing I never had.

We don’t always get our happy endings, we don’t always leave a lasting impression, sometimes, we’re really just the one-night stand and life is the wrecking ball.

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