With No Known End In Sight

It’s been quite some time, I know. I have always felt that despite the often sad tone in my writing, I end each piece from a place of strength. I’ve struggled with that lately, rather, for months now and so my willingness to make a public post has not been a significant priority. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been on my mind. It’s even a part of my to-do list, I simply didn’t feel inspired enough to post, and there be a hopeful ending. I’m not sure how this post will end, much as I didn’t know that its beginnings would transpire today.

Like so many of us, there have been plenty of moments where I have felt defeated by life. Some moments darker than the next. I’ve struggled with feelings of self-worth and have often lamented on how unfair life seems to be. However, today, with my 80-something-year-old grandmother nestled comfortably on the couch in our living room, I write because of life’s simple pleasures. There sits the woman who helped to raise me, who is still my rock and guide and whose passing would undoubtedly have me unhinged for some time. Losing my other grandmother five years ago still weighs on me. I miss her and think of her every day. I am grateful and blessed to have had her in my life into my 30s. I know that many aren’t as fortunate.

Not much has changed since my last post except, actually, as I type this I realize that I’m wrong. I finally removed Evil Voldemort from my life. And when the temptation comes to see if he’s reached out to me, I endure the torment until the moment has passed. I remind myself that we will always want different things and that he’ll never see me as I see him. I now accept that reality, that actuality. Some days are still brutal, but I allow myself some moments to think about it, and then I move on with what I’m doing. I’m confident that I will get to a place in time and my mind where he will be forgotten. He refers to himself as the person who hurt me the most. And while that is true, it also means that it’s time to let it go.

I’m also becoming more consistent with what I deem as my Morning Rituals. Health check, exercise, breakfast, journaling, and completing a Random Act of Kindness. You’d think that adhering to this weekday requirement would be simple, but knowing the right thing to do and doing it is often quite different (ex. Evil Voldemort). Today, on the treadmill I was busy listening to Breakeven by The Script and Happier by Ed Sheeran on a loop. It wasn’t intentional. I once subscribed to Apple Music and then stopped. However, I’d liked this playlist and so when it went away, the two songs that I owned remained. There I was on the treadmill, looking over at my napping grandmother, and belting out the lyrics and was so in the moment that my session lasted a bit longer. I think my grandmother sensed it too and woke to say she was ready for her mid-morning snack. Still, it was some moments of bliss. I was comforted knowing that she was here with me and that while my mother is away, I can slip back into Jamaican Patios with her.

Married life has been difficult. We all know that it can have its ups and downs. However, I now better understand how people can grow apart, change, feel unseen and unappreciated, and question if the grass is possibly greener on the other side. And then your spouse does something simple to remind you that they do love you too. So although it’s still likely that there are rough waters still to come, I at least know that my husband is still in it with me.

My BFF is now back in my life, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Barely skipping a beat, we have revived our old weekly podcast, In the Stacks with Barry & LaToya, and are merrily going along with our usual banter and hijinx. We just recorded episode 4 of season 8 yesterday. And yes, I know that I need to update our website and that we need to resolve the audio issues. It was much simpler when we recorded in the same room. So, between the show and weekly movie nights, I’m keeping myself a lot busier.

Movie nights now happen with more frequency with my hopefully soon-to-be-sister. We jokingly call this our date night. This week it was dinner and a movie. We ordered off the kids meal at a restaurant close by, laughing at having done so and not really caring that we did (the cost of the meal was less than $13).

Plus, my awesome brother has started up a new weekly RPG campaign that has us very excited. My character is a Lawful Neutral Noble High Elf, Voxis Siannodel Iathrana Raethran. My ex-husband introduced me to RPGs, and although I still feel like a novice, it’s been pretty awesome.

And so, although I may not be where I want to be in my life, when is anyones? I’m spending it with the people who are most important to me and each day merely putting one foot in front of the other. No need to compare yourself to others, celebrate and appreciate the little things, even if that’s all you have. After all, we only get one life to live. Make it count.

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