It’s been over two months since my last confession and the gravity of what has now become of my life has started to set in. I should’ve languished more in the afterglow of what was a truly remarkable end of June and the entirety of July because August has brought with it the parts of life that can make one struggle to wonder about why we must suffer the dysfunction and deficiencies of the human condition. “All I want is a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air…”

I got home today and cried. My home, not my own, my surroundings old and still new. How much I have fallen. How much I feel defeated. I mentioned this to my mother, who was busy in her own concerns and projects. I said this, day two of having now moved in with my parents. How the mighty have fallen. My home office, a sitting room with no doors, an anguish that has had over a year to build up. The most educated, the most accomplished, reduced to having no place to call my own, no privacy, no peace. A constant stab to the heart, the breaking a part of my mental stability and health.

In these very moments, the successes of the past few months are diminished. My energies and optimism now fully sapped from my body. My outlook is grim. I labor to breathe. Labor in speaking. Finding momentary reprieve when I thought of writing. Momentary.

I missed my submission deadline today for the newspaper. I’ve often contemplated ending that activity altogether. It’s hard to be optimistic when the circumstances of life crush your spirit, robs you of your dreams, tells you you’re not enough, reminds you of how insignificant your singular problems are. When I thought I’d hit rock bottom, I found that there was still much further to fall.

Now is the time to buy a new home – if you can qualify for a mortgage. We cannot. Paying for a mortgage is less than paying for rent and yet I am paralyzed by debt. Unable to breathe. Unable to find a place of relief. I sat, defeated on the floor of the small bedroom that my husband and I will now share. Tired. Still missing my grandmother. Unable to talk about her almost a year since her passing away without crying.

So much positive derailed by very gut-wrenching lows. Pulled in many different directions and still no place to unwind. Depressed. Poor. Exhausted. Defeated.

Photo courtesy of A&D1994 from Flickr.

2 thoughts on “Gravity

  1. Sad to read about your situation. What I think is, you need to have some time off to cool your head. And don’t jump into decisions before you have cooled off properly.

    Bad debt situation is one of the most dangerous situations to get out of, and I strongly recommend that you get out this bad situation first before even dreaming about another new expense like owning a house, or joining another educational course or so. However do NOT let any negative thoughts pull you down, because positivism is everything that you got to drive you forward. Think twice before you decide, but be aware you might have to let go a lot of happy moments before you finally gather yourself and rise from the ashes. Be determined, be positive and be smiling. God bless!

    1. As always, you are quite right. I may not be where I want to be but I’m on the road to where that place is. It was disheartening to know that my husband and I couldn’t buy a house but I know that life has a way of course correcting itself. Moments of despair sprinkled with moments of sheer elation. I’m trying to remain positive and striving to move forward.

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