Navigating Through the Fog

Tomorrow will be one month since my grandmother passed away. I last wrote about the profoundness of grief, all the while not really knowing that it’s tentacles could be so far-reaching. I have struggled, really struggled to keep my sanity. I have longstanding issues with depression and I was naive in thinking that I could somehow compartmentalized the effects of losing my grandmother. It’s been a trying year. One that any counselor or psychologist will tell you is hard for most. For someone with my history of depression it has been among the worst. If it weren’t for my husband and my brother, I’m honestly not sure what I would have done.

Some days are better than others. That’s what I just told my grandfather after calling him to check in on him. It was the first time I’d called since I last saw him at the funeral over two weeks ago. It was difficult and I’d been putting it off. Normally when I’d call on a Sunday they’d both be there sitting on the veranda. This time, it was just him, reading the newspaper with the radio or television playing in the background. I told him that it was an adjustment going from me not calling but knowing that she was there to now, calling and knowing that she’s not there. Just the mention of my grandmother had me tearing up. I know that my pain is nothing like his and I truly hurt for him.

This week was to have been one where I caught up on various projects. Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans. I retreated to my bed. With my husband working nights and not getting home until around 10pm, I found myself staying up with and past him. My regular bedtime turned into 2am which resulted in me not getting up until 1pm. The upside was that my primary client required little of me and rather than take the time to catch up on some other client work, I was cocooned in a not so healthy head space. I was truly crippled this week. There were so many moments I yearned to write but then I thought of just how negative and angry those posts would be. I didn’t want that.

On Thursday my best friend alerted me to the fact that the library system we’d both resigned from this year had, after an 8-month search, finally selected a director. Although I mentally moved on, the news hit me like a punch to the stomach. I read through the detail and was so bothered by it that I couldn’t continue working the rest of the day. Don’t get me wrong, I am quite content with my decision to leave, it’s just hard when I think about the chaos these past 9 months has been. Resigning from a job, selling a house, moving in with my brother and his family, starting over professionally, dealing with the loss of my grandmother and being financially in limbo. It’s a lot and so that bit of news had me in a panic attack for about 2 hours. As I went to sleep I had to remind myself that this too shall pass.

Another thing to add to the list, which also includes my BFF is that I won’t be working with him again. Not in the way we used to. Although there is an opportunity to be his assistant again, the commute would result in a daily drive of over 160 miles! Even with my new car, I just can’t do it. I’d be driving for gas money and would likely end up in I-75 traffic at the worst times. I hate interstate driving in general. However, it’s still a loss. I suppose you could also say that I’ve been grieving a number of losses. Sure, my BFF is still my BFF but I haven’t seen him in months and we text only periodically throughout the week. I miss him.

Today is a relatively good day. Sure, I was up until 5am and didn’t wake up until almost 2pm but I’m in a decent mood and I have to take and cherish those as they come. I must admit, it’s been harder than I thought it’d ever be. Emotionally and psychologically it’s been a ravaging year but my hope is that 2014 doesn’t go down as one of the worst. My weight is well over what it should be and my exercise regime isn’t where that needs to be either. However, I’ve been so uninterested in actually making a change that it just pains me to even think about it. The holidays are just around the corner and our credit cards are completely maxed out. I’ll definitely have to go the home-made gift route this year. I guess I really should get a jump on publishing my poems in a book!

So, until the next time…I’m off to go and do some work. I’ve not logged many hours this week and I really need to do so. If I don’t work, I certainly don’t get paid and all those bills aren’t going to pay themselves – including the almost $3K in medical bills I have! Ugh. Oh, getting back on track, check out my new-to-you poem, Home.

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