I’m Still Here

It truly baffles my mind that I get so caught up in my job that I don’t make the time to write. All too often I’m in front of the computer for over nine hours every week day and there are so many thoughts that run through my head that I just can’t wait to write down. And yet I do. I don’t write them down. And so those moments of epiphany come and go, ebbing like ocean currents. It’s yet again almost a month since my last post. Each day I tell myself that I’ll make the time and I don’t. And so although there is a lot that has happened over the past few weeks, I’m at a loss to really express what they all are.

We again have my step daughters with us. For the first time we’ve had them with us for an extended period. It’s been interesting, now that my hubby and I live with my brother, wife and kids. On the one hand it’s been great to have the kids all together, and yet another to have the kids be unawarely subjected to the sometimes uneasy dynamic of the personal relationships inside the house. At times there’s as much drama under this roof as there is on the television show, Big Brother. But it’s been an interesting time. I work from home and with a new client added to my roster this week I have been all but literally tethered to the computer. Fortunately the girls are at an age where I don’t have to supervise them 24/7. But what I have learned or realized a lot more since they’ve been here is that I know that my decision to not have children was the right one for me. Sure, there are the few moments where it’s nice to see all the kids together enjoying themselves and their youth. But more often than not I look at them all (my step kids and my nephew and niece) and think, “This is exhausting!” Some of us just weren’t cut out to have kids. I think that I’m one of those people. Having step kids and a nephew and niece suits me just fine.

I know that some of my reluctance in writing also stems from the fact that I have several new poems and I haven’t taken the time to type them up so that they can be shared. I have two of my newest that I penned for my mother and father on their birthdays. Their birthdays are one day a part so while for some it can be frustrating, we have all loved and grown accustomed to celebrating them all in one swoop. Plus, we get them each a cake and their own gifts so each of those two days are special for them.

I’m now starting to find my stride a bit more. I say that because I’m having a decent week. To be honest, the past two weeks were horrible emotionally. When I heard of Robin Williams’ death, I was heartbroken but I also completely got it. People who don’t struggle with depression in their daily lives don’t fully understand. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a study done on highly educated and successful individuals that would find that many of us struggle with deep and crippling depression. I hate that ultimately the demons won out in Robin’s mind. But again, I fully understand and both sympathize and empathize with his struggle. There are many days where I have found it difficult to accept and understand my place in the world. There are days when it is difficult to shake the weight of the darkness of depression. It’s more than just a feeling of sadness or gloom. It can often be a person’s dark passenger. I know that it often is mine. I could continue at length on this topic but I’ll end it there.

My days now are full. I have three clients that I provide virtual assistant services as well as working as a call center customer service representative and a pet project that really doesn’t pay much but I keep because it’s a bit fun. I have been getting better about not working on the weekends. I believe the past two or three weeks I’ve managed to avoid working on Saturday and Sunday. What this has meant is that during the week my days are very long and very full. However, I think that it’s for the best. I found that even when I wasn’t working full days in the week, if I also worked on the weekend I was a lot more moody and just tired and unhappy. I’m working on increasing my hourly wage rate which certainly is helping as well. I will say that I was just recently bummed that my sister-in-law who is a newly minted dental hygienist is making more per hour than I do. Yep, with all my degrees. But then I quickly reminded myself that it’s not a competition, that she’s also working in a medical field and that I made the decision to do what I’m doing.

And so, it’s time for me to wind down. I’m off to go and read a good book and curl up in bed. Scratch that, I just lost my place in my bed so I’m off to curl up on the couch and get some reading done. Good night to you all. And no, sadly no poem tonight.

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