I really wish that this was more than lip-service considering how frequently I say this, but I’m going to say it all the same, I wish that I was better about writing. I am trying to do what I consider to be my minimum, once a week. But you’d think that with as much as I actually enjoy writing I’d do more of it. I think about it a lot, actually. And you’d think that with so many convenient ways to post I’d be more willing to do so. However, here I am as usual lamenting on how much I wish I was writing more. The thing is, with my personal blog it’s not that I don’t have anything to say. Despite living a very mundane life I feel that there is always something for me to say. There are many moments where I have something to say that would simply be a few sentences. I’d planned to use my Tumblr account for those things but I’ve been lazy to do so. I like the idea of doing an audio post but would much rather click away on the keyboard. Plus, despite my very decent diction I find that when I open my mouth to speak the many thoughts running through my mind I end up losing the emphasis and poignancy of what I really want to say. Lost in translation.
So, all that’s to also say, I’ve been fairly busy. I started a new job last week Sunday and have only had one day of since. It’s in retail management but at present outside of doing a lot of computer based learning I’ve been doing more manual labor at the job than I’ve done in years. I’m assisting with stocking a brand new location of the retail store and my Flex Force band have seen my daily step count over the past three days surpass all the steps that I took for the past three weeks! And so yesterday, despite planning on getting on the computer I took a hot shower and then hopped in bed. My feet and calves are killing me! My body is used to being fairly stationary and I have the weight gain to support that. So, this change in routine has my body now more consistently supporting my added weight and it’s been pretty brutal. I’m adjusting. These past few days have felt like weeks. At least, physically it’s felt that way. I was thinking today, as I stocked shelves with merchandise, that it’s interesting that I’m in a job that doesn’t require advanced thinking. There were moments where I was happy about, after having spent over a decade at a very demanding job, being in a job where I didn’t have to do any real critical thinking. All I was doing was following basic instructions and was left alone to complete them. I enjoy working alone. My moments of happiness in the simplicity of it was then interrupted by my mind then thinking about how many college degrees I have and am now doing a manual labor retail job for less than a third of what I was previously making. On this point I am doing what I can to not allow myself to live in that space. I have weighed the pros and cons of finding a job in the Atlanta area in one of my handful of professions. However, the cons always win out and so for now I know that I have to be willing to accept being overqualified for most jobs in my area.
When I got the call to interview for my present job I was surprised. Sure I applied for the job. However, it was during a period when I felt so frustrated with the hours I spent job hunting only to feel useless and unwanted. During that period I applied to a handful of retail positions even though my heart wasn’t really in it. To be quite honest, it’s still not in it. Sure, I’m getting up and going and putting forth my every effort but it is rather discouraging as a whole. I try not to become too absorbed in the disappointment. The thing is, I really don’t know what I want to do professionally. I burned out on my last job and in some ways I feel as though my present job is me taking leaps backward. I’m grateful to have something to do and I’m trying to make the best of the situation but I do still wonder what’s really next for me. I’m also struggling with deciding whether or not to continue job hunting. I mean, I know that the job I presently have doesn’t pay much but I’ve also always been the type of person who commits to something regardless of what’s going on. The way I look at this job is that it’s something new and I always enjoy new experiences like those. But I do think that subconsciously there must be something to be said regarding me not having listed my newest employer on my LinkedIn of Facebook profiles.
In better news my hubby will be starting a new job next Monday and with the new job comes a much improved pay rate. For the first time he’ll be making more than I do. I know that he’s feeling a little excited about it. He often feels so overshadowed by my academic and professional success so much so that it can be a bit emasculating for him and now, he gets to be the primary wage earner. I honestly don’t mind that he makes more or less than me, I just want to job where I feel like I’m making what I’m worth. I suppose we all want that.
In other news I think that an ex-boyfriend may’ve tried to call me at 1am about two days ago. I have a particular ex who seemed to only call at those times. And although the number showed that there was no caller ID he’s the only person who would immediately call back after me sending his call to voicemail. Much like the How I Met Your Mother episode that’s about nothing good happening after 2am, nothing good ever came of his calls in the wee hours of the morning. I told this person over a year ago that we should no longer have anything else to do with each other. And although the calls could’ve been from someone else it’s very possible it was from him. This particular person has always been my kryptonite and although I’m happily married I have no issue admitting that. You know, there’s always that person in your past who you will always have feelings for. In that case I’m actually happy with the memory of him and the feelings that it conjures and nothing more.
Well, I’m exhausted. The past two days I’ve worked a 7 to 4 shift and will be doing so again for the next two days. However, as a result of my crazy sleeping habits while being unemployed my body is still struggling to get back in balance. Tonight’s poem title is indicative of how I presently feel, Running on Empty. I can only hope that tonight’s post was coherent. So, until next time. LaToya, out.