Embarrassed and Ashamed

My avoidance of my blog and social media has been somewhat deliberate. I have done some writing since my last post but I only did so with an upcoming published newspaper article in mind. So here’s the skinny on the article that will run in The Union-Recorder in about three week’s time. I’m overqualified. Yes, you heard me, I’m overqualified. I had a job for a day. Yes, a job for one day.

Let me explain. I accepted a job offer on the very day of the interview, Valentine’s Day. My first day was this past Tuesday. Everything went well. I was in my element and was extremely useful to, let’s now call him, my boss-of-the-moment. He commended me on my talent and seemed genuinely impressed with my ability to, on the first day, jump in and assist where needed. Despite a drastic pay cut I was willing to do what was needed and was truly interested in learning more about the organization. However, that wasn’t meant to be.

I worked an hour and a half longer than my scheduled 8 hours. I went as far as preparing my boss for the next day and outlining things that I would need and had planned to do. It’s a testament to my work ethic, I don’t like to be idle for long. Upon my leaving there was no doubt that I would return the next day. However, as I assume it must’ve been my downfall, prior to leaving I inquired about what my wage rate would be at the end of the 3-month introductory period. Based on earlier conversations it seemed that the question would not illicit a definitive answer. I was correct. He was unsure and said that he’d need to discuss it with his business partner who was on an airplane at the moment. I left the office expecting to, as he’d said, be told more about what to expect when being brought on through the company and not through the temp agency the following day. After a stellar first day I sent him a text and asked whether or not I was being too premature but if it was okay for me to bring some personal items from home to the office. He responded promptly by saying that it was not at premature and that I should make myself at home.

I got home and was in the process of prepping for the next day. I was sorting through some still packed boxes to pull out the necessities for the following day. While doing so my phone rang. After having just programmed his contact information into my phone an hour before I was only slightly surprised at the phone call. After all, it was about less than an hour since his text. He was pleasant, asked how I was doing and then immediately went into obliterating my sense of contentment. He said that he didn’t think that they could keep me. Mind you, this is an international manufacturing company that was clearly in a growth phase. However, he essentially said that they wouldn’t be able to afford me and that my credentials and where they were presently in the business wasn’t going to work.

When I interviewed for the position I was very upfront with who I am and what I brought to the table. When he informed me of the wage rate (which of course the temp agency didn’t disclose), I was not put off by it. I told him that I was willing to put in the time and that I was more interested in learning about the company and in being in a different industry. That was the truth. I was equally surprised when just a few hours after my interview I was offered the position. I was not the only person to interview for the position but I didn’t doubt I was the one with the stellar credentials. I accepted the job for a number of additional reasons including its close proximity to home as well as schedule. At the end of my first day I’d simply informed him that I’d received an offer (for an interview, but I simply said offer) and that I just wanted to know what the pay rate would become. Besides, prior to even starting I’d already modified my budget in my workbook. I use Excel, it’s the best and easiest tool for such things. At any rate, with that, it was over.

I was and have still been very hurt by the entire experience. I’ve never been let go from a job (in truth I’ve been fired once – I’ll share that later), certainly not in a day. And certainly not after exceptional work. I’d straightened the office, assisted in new hires, set up a network share so that I could scan in applications and employment documents to the computer and had already learned more information than some of the current employees. And yet it was over. I assure you, I didn’t come off as an annoying know-it-all, rather, I was a confident asset. I simply made sure that the day of the interview as well as my first day, I’d learned as much information as I could by reading all the content on their corporate website. And as for having the blemish of having once been fired from a job. It was my freshman year of college. I was at Georgia State and I was more interested in holding together the rocky relationship that I had with my now ex-husband. Needless to say, and based on what I can remember, I called out too many times. It was an experience that I learned a great deal from and made sure not to repeat.

It just hurts. It’s disappointing and very embarrassing. My BFF and my sister-in-law both say that I should be mad and angry by this rebuff and not sad and depressed as I presently still am. However, although I’m slightly annoyed, I can’t help but to somehow feel as though I was at fault. Then again, it’s not at all surprising that I’d feel like the failure. It’s a character flaw that has stayed with me since the end of my first marriage. And so, for the past few days I’ve nursed my wounds.

I did have a testing session with a company that I’d like to work for. And even though I passed both tests I’m not holding my breath on when and if I’ll hear back from them. I can’t. I just have to keep moving forward. All I know is that in the course of a day I went from an extreme high to an extreme low and that it’s taking me days to really move past it. I’ve continued to apply for positions but now with a better sense of what I’d like to do. I’ve decided that I’m most certainly not applying for jobs that I’m too overqualified for. Because, even though my credentials are there in black and white, the potential employer may somehow forget that I earned my degrees, experience and expertise.

So yes, I’m still slightly bitter but as I said, I’m just more hurt and embarrassed by my single day of employment. I’d thought that I had beaten the odds by getting a new job so soon, but I suppose life had something else up its sleeve. I have a FaceTime phone interview tomorrow for another position and at present I’m simply hoping that I can shake this feeling of inadequacy. I know that obviously that job wasn’t the one for me, no matter how much I tried to make myself believe that it could be. And in the words of my favorite book heroine, “after all, tomorrow is another day.”

Today’s poem of the day, My Heart’s Desire. I don’t remember when I wrote this poem or about which of the handful of guys I’d prematurely given my heart to, but this poem, if nothing else, clearly shows me in all my insecurity and desire to be loved. Enjoy.

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