These past two nights have been brutal. I became so delirious a moment ago that I said in an email to my cousin, “I couldn’t sleep and decided that it my insomnia would be satiated by some blogging.” Aren’t I supposed to be less clever with my words the longer I go without sleep? Wednesday night I lay in bed until sleep claimed me. I have no idea when that actually occurred as it felt like I’d been watching the clock for hours. Thursday night I decided that now, in the wee hours of Friday I’d put my racing mind to some good use.
After I’d finished up with my courses in December I’d stated how much I looked forward to blogging more. However, with the chaos of the holiday season and with surgery, I spent most of my online time working. A bit of a pity now I suppose. Throughout the past two days I’ve had a series of panic attacks. At least, that’s what I’m calling them. My body hasn’t gone through this in years. The last time I physically felt this way was when my now-husband and I broke up and he moved out for a few months. However, this time is even worse. My job was my life for over 12 years. And although I am not shedding tears for it or losing sleep over walking away from it, my body is telling me it’s all too much to handle. I am supposed to be recovering from a much-needed hysterectomy, a procedure which has left me exhausted for weeks, still bleeding, and unable to resume my regular activities. But here I am worrying about whether or not my entire body is going to quit.
It’s times like these that test us. I’m still confident that the decision I made was the right one but it doesn’t change the emotional and physical implications of how our bodies react to this kind of stress. I’m certainly worried about finding a new job, one that pays me what I need in order to pay all the bills that we have, but I’m also concerned about the limited time that I now have to get my work responsibilities wrapped up and sort out all the personal things that often occurs as a result of making such a big life change.
I’m walking out into the abyss, hopeful that there is something there, believing that when one door closes another door or even a window opens. I lay here in my bed, in the home I’ve owned for over 8 years and subconsciously count down the days until we move on to new opportunities. There is a sadness but also excitement in the unknown future. It is unlikely that I’ll be working in another public sector job, more specifically, libraries. I know they say never say never but I think that I’ve had my fill of library administration on the level that I’ve been on. Sure, it’s great being “on the inside” but the things one deals with can become so taxing. I wouldn’t trade my experiences for anything but I am looking forward to whatever is on the horizon.
Sometimes you have to say goodbye in order to say hello. I’m sure I’m not making up that phrase. It’s true. I have to take the bad with the good and believe me, starting over may not be easy, you may feel as though you’re lost or that the pain of it all means that you’re somehow wrong. No, growing pains are exactly that, painful. But it doesn’t mean that the calm, peace and security won’t come again. I am so appreciative of my many gifts. I’m intelligent and resourceful, I’m more than my résumé and more than the pain of the present day.
Today’s poem is newly published. I wrote it In the Summer of 2010 when Kenrick and I were newly dating. I’m glad to say that I don’t still feel the way that I did back then. Yet another painful time that through perseverance, I made it through.