There are moments in my life where I wish I could be more like Spock. Yes, I’m a little bit of a Trekkie. I suppose I should want to be more like his father’s species, Vulcan. Intelligent, practical, logical and without the interference of emotion. That isn’t to say that I would be emotionless, I’d just be more rational and act more rationally. It’s interesting to me how often times in science fiction the protagonist is always trying to save the human race. Let’s be honest, we’re nuts. To be human is to be imperfect. To be human is to sometimes be without rhyme or reason.
I recently made the mistake of letting a former friend and flame back into my life. I really should have known better as his actions over the years have only shown me that the concern, love, and respect felt was only felt by me for him. It makes me so angry to be human and to have the strong emotions of disappointment, anguish, and even resentment. I would not choose to love this person, and yet, I always will. While we can’t choose how we feel I know that we can choose what we do and how we outwardly let the person affect you. Because let’s be real, our emotions at their core is not something that can be controlled. They’re innate and carnal. Suppressed or even masked, yes, we can change that but we can’t change what we feel in our core. I know that I’m supposedly giving this person power over me and my emotions but being human, that’s what happens.
Don’t you hate when you’ve given yourself to someone, fully, only to have them disregard and discard you? I loved and sadly will always love this person but with him I’m always reminded of just how painful the other side of love can be. I’m reminded that no matter how much you love someone, there’s no guarantee that they’ll feel the same way too. Maybe my anger stems from being led to believe or choosing to believe that he was someone he never has been. Don’t you hate that, when your mind paints a picture of a different reality? Or better yet, don’t you hate it that when it comes to certain people you lose yourself and all rational thought? He was my ‘bad boy’ and I suppose as a woman you never quite get over that one. But as the bad boy he was also never the one you could realistically see yourself with long term, even if you sometimes secretly wanted to. He’s the one I would daydream about and even was my writing muse. But despite all that he was a cancer to me.
I’m shaking my head in utter disdain. Oh to be human, oh to have a human heart. All the time I’ll never get back and woe to the morning’s heartache that was spent closing that chapter of my life.