LaToya M. Davidson-Perez

I am exhausted. I feel as though today and the past few days have really worn on me. However, I’m not tired in the usual way, limping defeated into bed. I am inspired and gleefully exhausted at the notion of being so fully inspired that I lack the containable energy to even contain it. I suppose in some way I’m physically on the opposite side of the spectrum than how I feel inside. I had a lightbulb moment earlier this week. It was simple, radical and filling. Why not take the time to actually and deliberately come out of debt. We all live with it, the albatross that is with us every waking and resting moment of each and every day. I am so meticulous that I know to the penny how much I am in debt at all times. What finally dawned on me was that since this is my first year as a small business owner it provides me with a very unique opportunity to pay off debt. Since I have not established a true baseline of what my monthly income is, I have not yet started paying estimated taxes. And while it is quite possible that I’ll end up with a tax bill at year’s end, there’s a very big chance that I won’t. Regardless, the best thing is that even if there is a tax penalty assessed, it will be far less than the interest rates of the debt that I’ve accumulated.

I suppose what I’m feeling is a bit of euphoria. I can’t remember the last time I was this poor. Financially poor. I am wealthy with love and support but financially I am not at all where I need to be to stand on my own two feet. It’s a stark contrast to where my life was a year ago. Last year I was gearing up for another Library Fair, another period of being fully committed to a job and a purpose that a year later would be a mere glimmer in the rearview window of life. I feel a bit destitute in some ways but empowered and revived in others. I love my new life. I hate the debt and I hate the occasional house drama, but I love living with my brother and his family and I love the time I spend with my husband. I honestly didn’t think that after having had a failed marriage in my early 20s that I’d remarry. The taste that left in my mouth was pungent. It was a very long time before I was even able to entertain the idea of me being with another person in any way. And then, as they say, when I wasn’t looking, when I’d given up, that’s when my now 50-year-old husband came knocking at my door. There is a calm that I feel with him. There is a relief in the way that I feel, knowing that he loves and accepts me just as I am. For better or worse, he’s there. Continue reading “Fully and Thoroughly” →

There are some things about the day that are fuzzy in my memory while so many others are clear. I remember where I was. I remember the way the air felt and the surprise at what I thought was a joke. It was Super Tuesday at Georgia Military College and my then husband and I were busy with our duties as we prepared new cadets for entry to GMC. I was 20 years old and even then my marriage had been strained. I wanted desperately to think that somehow a tragedy such as the one that was unfolding would bring us closer together. It did not. And although there are things that I can’t remember. I remember the feelings. The words transmitted over our walkie talkies come in and out of focus in my mind, but I definitely remember the sky, walking across an asphalted lot that is no longer in existence. Innocence lost.

This morning as I remembered where I was on the 9/11 I couldn’t help but to feel, for a few moments, the very way I did when I, in the twilight of my youth, that somehow the world as we knew it was ending. I’d never known war, I’ve never known what it meant to fear an imposing and sometimes faceless enemy. In those moments and during parts of today, it was again real. I don’t know what’s true, sensationalized or misreported when it comes to life in other countries. And having grown up in both the US and Jamaica, I knew and felt American pride in every fiber of my being. How dare they come and strike fear into the hearts of our people. How dare they take away the feeling of peace and tranquility. The feeling of ignorance now gone I see life much differently. Maybe 13 years have passed, and maybe we’ve in many ways returned to the way that we live, almost as if that day had never happened. But it’s on days like this where we remember. We remember. We feel. Life is much different and yet things are still the same. Politics be damned, no one should come into your home and make you feel unsafe. That is what happened and that’s what I’ll never forget.

It truly baffles my mind that I get so caught up in my job that I don’t make the time to write. All too often I’m in front of the computer for over nine hours every week day and there are so many thoughts that run through my head that I just can’t wait to write down. And yet I do. I don’t write them down. And so those moments of epiphany come and go, ebbing like ocean currents. It’s yet again almost a month since my last post. Each day I tell myself that I’ll make the time and I don’t. And so although there is a lot that has happened over the past few weeks, I’m at a loss to really express what they all are.

We again have my step daughters with us. For the first time we’ve had them with us for an extended period. It’s been interesting, now that my hubby and I live with my brother, wife and kids. On the one hand it’s been great to have the kids all together, and yet another to have the kids be unawarely subjected to the sometimes uneasy dynamic of the personal relationships inside the house. At times there’s as much drama under this roof as there is on the television show, Big Brother. But it’s been an interesting time. I work from home and with a new client added to my roster this week I have been all but literally tethered to the computer. Fortunately the girls are at an age where I don’t have to supervise them 24/7. But what I have learned or realized a lot more since they’ve been here is that I know that my decision to not have children was the right one for me. Sure, there are the few moments where it’s nice to see all the kids together enjoying themselves and their youth. But more often than not I look at them all (my step kids and my nephew and niece) and think, “This is exhausting!” Some of us just weren’t cut out to have kids. I think that I’m one of those people. Having step kids and a nephew and niece suits me just fine. Continue reading “I’m Still Here” →