It’s not often that I find myself sitting in front of my computer, tears streaming down my face. Then again, it’s not often that I’ve had such a life-altering 2-month period of my typically pleasantly uneventful life either.
I didn’t sleep much last night. My usually comfortable adjustable bed was no respite. I tossed and turned. I knew my earlier decision to embrace The Final Goodbye was the right one, but my feelings were bruised, my heart had again been broken. That first final goodbye did not stick and life had a way of showing me that it should have. This was on me, I tried to be someone who I ultimately wasn’t. I’m not cool and I can’t play it cool. I’m a bundle of emotions, always have been. I try to avoid situations that cause me emotional distress. This one I walked right into, eyes wide open, thinking that I was somehow immune to the realities of my almost 36 years of existence, that I was above or beyond insanity. I am a lot of things but what I am not is someone who is capable of compartmentalizing my feelings or who I am.
We all wear different masks in our lives. Like a Swiss Army knife, we grab the one that best fits the situation as needed. For over two months I allowed my feelings to cloud my better judgment, tried to live a different kind of life, test boundaries. In the end, I found out that I am still just me. Call it a practice in living, I played a role that I wasn’t accustomed to and as a result learned more about who I really am. I gave myself time to meander down some roads I never thought I’d be capable of going only to ultimately see that I’m still me. A bit more bruised and weary, but still the same me.
Never say never. That’s one of the big things I’ve now learned firsthand. Whether you test your limits or stay within the lines, just know that you’re the only you in the world. And even with your bad days, missteps and heartache, just remember to always choose people who ultimately choose you. And that includes you. I recently read something that is so very true, “you can give someone the world and in return not have a place in it.” That isn’t to throw shade, it’s to say that no matter what, don’t lose yourself. Situations can make you the type of toxic person you never want or meant to be.
My cousin shared something a few minutes ago on Instagram that I wanted to also share because of how relevant it is to me in these moments…
Cutting contact with toxic people will transform your life. At first, it feels miserable. Like you’re going cold turkey from an addiction. But as time goes on, you come to discover that each passing day brings unexpected new blessings. You being to develop self-respect, boundaries and true friendships. Instead of running around absorbing and forgiving everything, spend time with people who do not behave in a way that requires constant explaining to begin with. This freedom allows your spirit to thrive. Someday, you will look back and wonder how you even tolerating interacting with such unhealthy people. Your new self begins to feel protective of your old self, and that’s a pretty neat place to be!