On the Precipice

It should come as no surprise when I say that I have for weeks been planning to write. I feel as though there’s always so much doom and gloom that I may sometimes come across as being very self-absorbed or just pathetic. However, at this very moment I feel as though I may be on the precipice of something remarkable. Although not a lot has changed, a lot is changing. I feel the palpable anticipation of a shift in course.

Since my last post I was surprised to have had friends as well as former colleagues reach out to me to alert me of job openings as well as to simply let me know that I’ll rebound. And although nothing has yet materialized, they’re very much in process of doing so. Wednesday night and into the very wee hours of Thursday I again made a big push to find a job. On Sunday evening my mother, father, husband and I sat around their kitchen table talking until almost midnight. My mom, as she’s known to do, reminded me that sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zone in order to make a breakthrough. I’ve been in a perpetual rut. It has felt like Groundhog Day for over a year. I’d been mourning the big changes of 2014. I resigned from my job, sold my house and lost my grandmother. I didn’t always realize it but I was mourning 3 deaths. These were and still are major life events.

I’d moped around the two-room suite of my brother’s house that we’ve now occupied for almost a year and a half. As much as I love my current clients (for whom I serve as their executive assistant), I can’t make enough financially to make any headway in our financial despair. Although I was being nourished in doing projects that I enjoyed, I was always stressing immensely about making ends meet. Our credit cards are maxed and with my clients also having their own struggles, something had to change. I was sinking further into depression and my husband felt that I was squandering my talents. “Do you know what I’d be doing if I had all the degrees and experience you have?” he frequently comments. Hell, I didn’t even know for sure and I’m the one with the degrees and the experience.

I pride myself on being multi-faceted. I am a true and full blend of my mother and my father. I have a richness and appreciation for so many things and as a result, I love seeing life through their eyes. I’m detailed and ordered like my mom and I love technology and electronics like my dad.

My mom put it to me straight, I needed to look for a job outside of my own self-prescribed geographical limits. Last year my husband and I purchased two brand new Hondas and I have driven my car literally a handful of times. My brother has been the beneficiary of driving my new vehicle. Things, as they say, have a way of working themselves out. When I decided to leave the library last year I didn’t hesitate to call him and ask if my husband and I could move in with him. He had what equated to an in-law suite that sat empty, waiting for us. When my husband and I decided to trade in our vehicles for new ones with lower payments, it happened to be during a time when my brother was without a vehicle. Since I’d chosen to work from home, it only made sense that he drive the vehicle.

My mother called me on Wednesday to ask me if I could drop her off at her church the next day so that she could attend a women’s retreat out of town. This request was made very early into my marathon application session. Since I rarely need a car, when she said that she wanted to make sure that I had a vehicle to use while she was gone was comical. I even remarked by laughing and saying that I didn’t know why she’d want to do that. I never need to use her car. Even so, with no more than 4 hours of sleep I took my husband’s car to pick her up and drop her off at church the next morning. I was left with the keys to her car in the event that I needed it.

The thing was, I did need it. I’d not thought much about the painstaking hours I spent applying to the various jobs I found on ZipRecruiter, LinkedIn and Indeed when my phone rang while I was taking a shower that morning. I exhaustedly called my mom earlier and asked if I had time to take a quick shower before picking her up. And so when I heard my cellphone ring while I was in the shower, based on the ringtone I assumed it was another telemarketing company calling my business line (which rings to my cell – thanks Google Voice). The indication that they’d left voicemail didn’t give me additional pause. However, once I got out of the shower I decided to go ahead and listen to the voicemail. Yes, my cellphone travels with me everywhere I go.

Imagine my surprise when it was a corporate recruiter saying how much she’d like to speak to me as a result of having received my application for a position with her company. It was a job in Atlanta, a stretch outside of my original comfort zone. I told my mother about what had happened when I picked her up and that launched her into a discussion of how timing is everything. Now in my early 30s, conversations with my mother holds so much more meaning and depth than they used to. She’ll be the first to say that we’re not “friends” but our mother/daughter relationship has taken on a new life; something much more beautiful that resonates on so many levels.

I called back the recruiter when I came back home, now realizing how another series of coincidences led me to that moment. The conversation went so well that she requested a meeting with me the very next day. To think, the deliberate act of my mom telling me she was leaving the car at home in the event that I needed it and me, the very person who seldom leaves the house actually did need it.

My anxiety level had been through the roof for the past few weeks. I’ve had many sleepless nights and my appetite has been suppressed. My stomach has been in knots throughout that duration. I felt like I had in the weeks leading up my deciding to leave the library a year earlier. The odd thing is, when I got to the office to do the interview, I was calm. The interview went very well and I was told that despite needing to completing a questionnaire, I would move on to the next round. There are so many other little things that seem to be falling into place. And although I am not willing to put the cart before the horse, I am hopeful that things are about to take a dramatic and much-needed change.

Although there is more to this story as it continues to unfold, it’ll have to wait until the next time. It’s my husband’s birthday today and as much as I’d like to continue this post, I’m off to celebrate the remainder of it with him now that he’s home from work. He is so instrumental in my being able to push through life’s frustrations. On this, his birthday, I can’t express enough how much I feel as though I’m a better person because of him. Fingers crossed there’ll be some more good news in the days to come.

5 thoughts on “On the Precipice

      1. Everything will be fine. Make sure you have an “I shall not panic” mind for the rest of the week, and you would be able to sleep well. I’m not sure about your routine or the lifestyle in Hawaii, but if possible, do please try some biking. That’s what I do to relax myself and set some family time, in the pretext of keeping fit (which sometime happen, that’s all but not the prime purpose). I’m blogging my experiences little by little. 🙂

  1. I shall keep trying to encourage you. That’s all I can do from half the world away. Try maintaining an “I shall not panic” policy for the rest of the week and the remaining part of the month shall automatically be wonderful. I don’t know in detail about your routine, or the lifestyle in Hawaii in general, but if possible try some biking (cycling). That’s what I do on weekends to have some family time in the pretext of keeping fit (where the fitness part is less, but the getting-some-wind-in-the-hair part is more). I shall be blogging my experience in the coming days. Thank you for the replies 🙂

    1. Manu,
      That is so kind and thoughtful of you. It’s sometimes very hard not to panic. My husband is of that mindset, not letting things bother him much. I consider myself to be a realist when it comes to these things. I know that things could certainly be a lot worse but right now the shear discomfort of the entire situation makes it difficult for me to always keep things in perspective. I live in Georgia. Imagine if I were living in Hawaii! That cost of living is astronomical. I should be a great deal more physically active. I just need to work harder and not beating myself up over the things that are not in my control.


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