It’s been creeping up on me. Slowly at first, simmering below the surface. But in the past week or two it has erupted. Like a hand covering one’s mouth to hold back its escape, I have been so unequivocally unhappy that I can’t bear the pain. My very organized world has been crashing as my life’s due dates are now all past due. I’ve tried to hide, tried to make sense of it, tried to brush it off. But here it remains. Here I dwell in the fog that is now my life.
I’ve been so very angry and unhappy. For some reasons that I feel I can’t explain and for others that are much easier to describe. I find myself confined to a room, to a house that is not my own. I’m in a job that I spend more time worrying about its end rather than enjoying the myriad of projects that I can take on. We are so financially poor and being the independent person that I’ve always been, the past year has seen me fall deeper and deeper into a despair that I am struggling to break free of. I am losing my sense of being, my sense of purpose, my grasp on the importance of each day. I’ve tried exercising and have only found that in spite of and despite doing so I am plagued with moments of utter and debilitating darkness. I want nothing and I want everything. I hate myself and I love myself.
My heart is constantly racing. There is no respite in sleep. Reading relaxes me but its effects are only momentary, only lasting as long as a few minutes after its conclusion. In this very moment I hate myself and my life. And still, moments later I can again find some semblance of center. I know that I can’t expect anyone other than myself to dig myself out of this place. I’ve built up my imaginary walls and it is only me who can tear them down. I’m at an emotional and psychological impasse with my stress level beyond safe levels. I am realizing that my tendency to be in control of everything has not yet assimilated to the realities of my not being able to control everything in my life. My body is tired, my soul is weary and I am at the precipice of a fall that is unavoidable. Is this what it was like for the economy in 2008? Chugging along, in the back of our consciousness knowing that we could only chug along but for so long.
In the absence of control, in the absence of the familiar, a person who lives an ordered life starts to fall. So much is now in the red, finances, tasks, the color I feel that I see constantly in front of my eyes. The constant headache and frustration makes it impossible to see clearly. I long for a peace, a quieting of my mind, an ability to work without the constant thinking of where I was and where I now am. I am unable to see a future where this internal turmoil is gone. I miss my grandmother beyond anything that I thought possible, I miss having my own space and being wholly in control of it. I miss the occasional peace that my mind would give me. Instead I live with the manic moods, the anger, the pain. As my favorite onscreen and book heroine would say, “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow. After all…tomorrow is another day.” I’m hoping for the strength to embrace it and the understanding in making it the first day of my road back to a sense of normal.