It’s interesting the things that cause one to think more about our mortality. After recent added medical issues and most recently, realization that I’m not quite out of the woods, I sat quietly at the foot of my bed and simply exhaled. When the moment had passed I looked around my bedroom and gave more thought to a discussion I had with my best friend about death. I don’t often think about death even though I don’t feel that I will make it to the age of my grandmother.

I accept that we all die and on few occasions have even gone as far as thinking of the how I hope to die. For example, I’d rather pass away in my sleep versus in a car accident or something. I’m 30 and since my late 20s have had issues with my health. If I’m already prone to illness at such a young age what happens in another 5 or 10 years?! I have a pill cocktail already. Morning pills. Night pills. As we get older it’s not like our health gets better. My pills won’t decrease, they’ll only multiply.

I wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be. Am I doing what I should? With no children of my own, what is my legacy? Society has long attached so much meaning to those who don’t or can’t have offspring. I’ve already accomplished a lot but I’m still not fulfilled. I’m tired a lot. I do think that pain and anguish can physically manifest and make one ill. I am often stressed and I am sure I don’t handle it as well as I should. Many of us struggle with dealing with life. We balance or try to balance its slings and arrows. Some of us fail.

Are we merely here for that minutia of time, important only to those within its scope? If you’re not the Steve Jobs or Bill Gates of the world when we die will we soon be forgotten? Did we really matter in the grand scheme of things? Why have we not figured out how to not disappear? How easy it is for us to be swallowed up by the world, to become a number, a reference, a forgotten memory. I can now understand why some people just don’t take things too seriously. If it wasn’t for my OCD I’d do the same thing. I just need to be better about making lemonade, or anything in the kitchen. LOL.