For My Own Experience Skews My Perspective

In truth, I borrowed the title of my post from the text of the book I’m currently reading. I’m a sucker for Grace Burrowes’ novels. Sometimes in life, we can’t get over but we must try to move past situations and people. As I drove to Milledgeville through the torrential rainstorm yesterday, I took an almost literal trip down memory lane. I admit that there were moments where I was driving from muscle memory. The dreariness of the day only further hampered my mood. Sure, I was going to see my BFF in person for the first time in six years, but before that, I had an additional journey that I had to make.

When I drive through Eatonton on my way to Milledgeville (because I still have my car serviced where I purchased it), I make it a point to remember the first home I purchased, everything that happened in my life during my years there, what has changed since then. However, I never drive to see it in its present state, I have to physically avoid the assured pang that I would feel by seeing my first home in any other state than I left it in. Alas, my roaring twenties through my mid-thirties were difficult. I devoted most of my life and time to a job and career that I walked away from and sold the home that I thought I may have lived in forever. I cared for a handful of people that produced a lifetime of pain. There remains an uneasiness when I go back. Fortunately, it’s not a trip that I have to take often. Continue reading “For My Own Experience Skews My Perspective”

The Last of the Greats

Life, unscripted. Last Monday morning, I awoke from my slumber after having had a restless sleep. As is often the case, I couldn’t really remember what I had dreamt about. Whatever it was, the entire day, I felt a deep and visceral feeling of self-loathing. I couldn’t remember a time where I’d so hated myself. However, as they say, this too shall pass. By Tuesday, things had started to settle itself, but on Wednesday, it was clear why I’d felt unrest on Monday.

There are people in your life that have always been there. Regardless of any kicking or moaning, my mother has always instilled in us the love of family. Like her mother before her, mom made sure that we knew our kin. Whether it was this aunt or this cousin, mom wants us to never lose our family ties. We are not like most, we spend a lot of time together, and we talk on the phone or contribute to our group WhatsApp thread frequently. We are so close that I live within 20 minutes of my parents and 10 minutes of my brother and his wife. And so, Wednesday seemed like it would be like any other day of the week, starting with my mom sending out her daily inspirational messages. I was wrong. Continue reading “The Last of the Greats”

Closing Time

Yesterday. Wow, yesterday. While it didn’t go the way I wanted it to, it went the way it needed to. Sure, it was a decade in the making, and sure, it flipped on its head my belief in love, but I’m in a better place for it. After a series of texts and one phone call, I know that I’m finally going to be okay.

I’m in love, hopelessly so. While this is no new revelation, what is new is that I can now say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. It’s been a decade’s long journey, a marathon. I have loved this person despite everything, despite all the reasons why he didn’t deserve my affection. And while I was previously very bitter and pained around it, I think it’s all starting to make sense in my thought-filled head. I was and will always be just an option for him. I am not, have ever been or ever will be a necessity for him. Continue reading “Closing Time”