Pain at Any Age — Gasping for Air

I know, it’s been almost a year. It’s not that my creativity or my love of writing has gone, it’s just been suppressed. I simply haven’t been writing anymore. So, what brings me out of my writing hiatus is the need to make sense of something that requires me to go old school, pen-to-paper, as they would say. What does one do with the knowledge that something that was once important is now missing entirely from your life? It’s like coping with death. The person that I am now is not the same as the person I was yesterday. There’ve been some hard lessons learned and a coldness that has been added to the way that I view some aspects of life.

I’ve been in an unhealthy mental place for the past couple of weeks. And to think, I’ve recently started exercising in the mornings. It has impacted my ability to work, to be at peace, and to maintain my sanity. So what do I do with everything that I’m feeling? Where do I put the sadness, the disappointment? How do you find the silver lining when all you can do is cry, hurt, and feel like a loser?

I’ve meditated, medicated, I frequently take deep breaths, and the pain still remains. And although these haven’t really provided much relief, I continue to try knowing that they are at least steps forward. I suppose that’s all anyone can do, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I struggle with severe depression so there are certain triggers that make life hurt a bit more than usual. And to add further insult to injury, my depression gets worse in the winter months. It makes me feel like I’m at the base of Mt. Everest and this is my annual climb. I’m okay admitting that there are times where I wonder if I’ll make it to the next year’s climb. Everything looks and feels daunting. You realize that you’re not the only one hurting as it impacts who you are to others. However, you can’t forget that there are life’s small wins. Even if it’s as small as finding an extra $20 out of the blue or having a super productive day. I mark those rare days with a smiley face sticker on my wall calendar. Knowing that those exist is what drives me.

In an overwhelming world, you claim a win where and when you can get them. And if you have to deal with a triggering moment, remain true to who you are and try to push forward.

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