The early morning fog and its inevitable subside speaks to my life as it is today. Today is a momentous day. I have a great deal to be appreciative of. The thing is, while ordinarily, I’d want to crawl back into bed during some of life’s challenges, I am proud of and humbled by my actions today.
I’m not perfect. And I’m not a saint. Regardless of my actions, I own them. Today I said goodbye to making excuses and feeling bad about the things that I could not change while being courageous in changing the things that I can. For over a year (actually, a great deal longer but passively so) I have attempted to navigate trying to become a version of myself that wasn’t truly me. In doing so I had to finally let go of a person whom I loved in my life. It’s as they say, some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season. And that isn’t to say anything bad about the other individual, it is to affirm that the life lesson has been learned and it’s time that we both moved on.
For far too long I have seen my value and worth through the eyes of individuals who saw none of those things in me. My BFF often said that it was the masochism in me while another friend noted that it was my undervaluing who I really am. They were and still are right. I’ve never defined who I am by the academic or professional accomplishments I have attained in my life. I am defined by the person I am when my back is up against the wall as well as the moments in between. I have loved the wrong people, allowed myself to be actively complicit, and have allowed others, including myself to take me for granted.
I’m beautifully flawed. The scars of my life are sometimes easily seen on my face. However, those scars make us stronger. They change us, if we allow it, into the people that we are meant to be. Whether it’s finally embracing who we are or in providing us with the wisdom to know the difference, life’s heartache can become a source of strength. This particular multifaceted wound is a deep one, one that spans almost a decade. And while I know the pain will linger and that it will be arduous to overcome, I will endeavor to live in the present rather than bemoan and cleave to the past.
For the first time in my life, I have made a painful decision that I know that I gave my all to. I invested myself fully and at its end, I remained true to myself. I am a lot of things, insightful, neurotic, smart, manic, pensive, passionate, impulsive, cautious, but most of all, in the face of adversity and rejection, I still remained true to myself. And although I have now lost forever someone whom I loved, I found someone who deserved my love even more. Me.
At this exact moment, I cannot find the words to express the kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts that I truly feel. However, what can be is my sincerest appreciation for being let go and in being able to truly start to also do so myself.
Author’s Note: Although I can see how one may make the assumption, this article was not written about my husband.