I woke up this morning in a panic attack. I liken it to the feeling of being under water and then all of a sudden realizing that you need to breath. My hubby rolled over and pulled the covers off me and the cold air jolted me out of my slumber. I finally fell asleep at around 5am and was awake before 10am. The attack lasted for a full 30 minutes. It was so bad that I had to contact my PCP and my psychiatrist. With a prescription quickly phoned in, I opted not to take it until later. With little sleep I didn’t need something that would take me out of commission. After all, it was a big day. I went to the office for a few hours. Seeing my boss so ostracized was difficult. Okay, really, he was in his office as he usually is but the tone was clearly different. With the news of our departure we quickly became the outsiders of a once tight-knit group.
I sat with him a while, comfortable occupying the space we’d shared for over 7 years. In the chaos of everything being with my best friend was calming. We reminisced about the past, virtually all of the current staff unaware of the obstacles we had to make it to where we are…where we were. It’s just time for a change. It’s just too bad that this is a road my best friend and I must go alone.
It was odd being in my office. With the days counting down I see things so much differently. Since I’m still not medically cleared to be in the office I’ve been working from home and it was a shock to my system being back there. I have only been there twice in about a month and it’s unlikely I’ll be on-site for a full day again. Today I started to pack up my personal belongings. Right when I’d just gotten it the way I like it, LOL. I relished the large amounts of time I spent in Da Sauna over the years. It was my fortress of solitude.
In the same vein as recently finding out that my ex-husband wants to re-establish contact with me another ghost from my past tried to re-emerge. Like clockwork, and always with the same approach, I received a text from a person who I can only characterize now as having “treated” me to a painful learning experience. A few of my poems are about him (although his name poem hasn’t come up yet). There are people and experiences in your life that teach you the harsh realities of true heartbreak. This person is definitely in that category, a harsh reality. You’d like to trust your heart, your ability to discern when someone is simply toying with you. And even when that person repeatedly deceives you you want to believe that there is a small glimmer of hope that you will be the one to make a difference in their life.
After repeatedly going down this road with all the wrong men I am at a point in my life where I have forgiven them all. Why should I continue to hold on to all that frustration? I told this particular blast from the past that although we could never be friends or even acquaintances that I’m of course happily remarried, I wish him nothing but the best and that if it was my forgiveness he needed, if that would bring him solace (and hopefully would stop him contacting me), then he had it. I no longer harbor any ill-will. Life is just too short and considering everything else going on in my life, the past really is in the past.
Today’s poem is actually quite perfect. As luck would have it it was written about him. Originally his named poem it’s title now is Innocence. There are times in your life when you have to hurt and others when you can let it all go.