I’m Going Under

I suppose, in truth, we’re going under, both my husband and I. The last two or so weeks have been nightmarish for me. Not only have I been plagued with restlessness, I have also been even more depressed than usual. Several days ago I finally understood why I was so uneasy. The best and the worst part of working from home is, you guessed it, working from home. It can be very inconsistent. Despite establishing a budget and knowing just how much you have to earn in a day, a week or a month, it really takes a lot out of you. While I enjoy being my own boss, I truly miss the consistency of a salary. This is the first time in my life that I know that we won’t be able to meet all our debt obligations/bills. It’s a very tough pill to swallow, knowing that despite all your hard work in life, you’re only as successful as the next dollar you’re able to earn. If we didn’t live with family it would be horrible, devastatingly so. Then too, I think maybe if I’d not decided to impulsively sell my house and move back to the town my brother and parents live, things would be better. I look back at our old budget and financial obligations, the one we had prior to the move and within the past day I have really seriously wondered if I’m in the midst of a life lesson, another slap in the face by life.

I have never been more embarrassed or more fearful in my life. I always diligently plan and I always make sure that our life is scheduled and budgeted, that I keep all the balls going. Now, well now I’m sitting in front of my computer and looking at the stock market crash that is our personal finances. Everything is about to implode. I know the exact date that it will happen and I feel as though I may have waited until too late to resolve it. Continue reading

Listless in Covington

As usual I have put off writing. I’ve had my share of good and bad days since my last post. Two weeks ago the hubby and I cashed in our Marriott Rewards points and stayed at a hotel for 4 nights. It was AMAZING! We always love the thrill of sleeping on a king-sized bed. At home we share a queen and there are times when a king would be a better guarantor of sleep. I love my hubby and we love starting off our slumber curled up with each other. We then inevitably get hot and there are times where the added distance in a king-sized bed does make the heart grow fonder. I remember how relaxed that stay made me feel and that its effects lasted for at least a week. And then of course, as they often do, the effects wore off and I was back to being fully stressed and depressed.

Being self-employed is hard, so too is adjusting to a $35K reduction in income from last year. I cringed when I worked on our taxes two weeks ago. I decided to wait until the end of February to do them this year since I had to amend our return twice last year. Waiting did little to calm the devastating blow its results had. Considering how little we made I was certainly not at all happy that we now have to pay the federal and state government. The cherry atop a somewhat dismal 2014. Needless to say, it was a bit humiliating to have to ask my parents to borrow money to pay the almost $1K bill. I’ve subscribed to QuickBooks Self-Employed so that I’m now able to keep on top of my quarterly taxes (even though I’m not required to pay them quarterly) and so that I can easily transfer all of my business information into TurboTax next year. I’d certainly suggested it to everyone out there who are self-employed. Continue reading

All Shades of Anger

It’s been creeping up on me. Slowly at first, simmering below the surface. But in the past week or two it has erupted. Like a hand covering one’s mouth to hold back its escape, I have been so unequivocally unhappy that I can’t bear the pain. My very organized world has been crashing as my life’s due dates are now all past due. I’ve tried to hide, tried to make sense of it, tried to brush it off. But here it remains. Here I dwell in the fog that is now my life.

I’ve been so very angry and unhappy. For some reasons that I feel I can’t explain and for others that are much easier to describe. I find myself confined to a room, to a house that is not my own. I’m in a job that I spend more time worrying about its end rather than enjoying the myriad of projects that I can take on. We are so financially poor and being the independent person that I’ve always been, the past year has seen me fall deeper and deeper into a despair that I am struggling to break free of. I am losing my sense of being, my sense of purpose, my grasp on the importance of each day. I’ve tried exercising and have only found that in spite of and despite doing so I am plagued with moments of utter and debilitating darkness. I want nothing and I want everything. I hate myself and I love myself. Continue reading

The Drudgery of Everyday Life

It’s already Wednesday afternoon and I have squandered the week. Monday was a day where I was so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed. Those types of days have decreased over the past few months but Monday was one of those days that hit me like a ton of bricks. Yesterday I was able to shake it a bit and was functional enough to do a few of the things on my personal to-do list. Because of how I was feeling Monday I flaked out on working out so yesterday saw me making up for Monday and also in doing Tuesday’s workout. My husband and I started doing Daily Burn via our Roku 3 and it’s been great having someone to workout with. However, I will say that I’m concerned that I’ll become the type that needs to workout just to feel okay. Sure, it was great, those first few days. I did feel an extra boost in energy but then there I was, over analyzing the whole thing. I already have issues with depression and I am fearful that that depression will be amplified on the days where I can’t coax myself into working out for that additional endorphin high.

In recent conversations with my husband I have been very critical of myself. Yesterday, as he drove me to a doctor’s appointment, I told him that I was again feeling like a complete failure. Then, later in the evening I was doing some prep work for filing our taxes and sank even further into despair when I was faced with the very stark comparison of my new life to that of my old one. Financially we’re sinking. February will be the first month where I don’t think that we’ll be able to pay all of our bills. We’re drowning in medical and credit card bills as well as in my inability to snap out of my feelings of despair and worthlessness. I have work to do but my mind is stuck worrying about things that are presently outside of my control. Better yet, it’s stuck on things that I shouldn’t be giving attention to. I suppose it’s the breaking down before building up period. There is a lot to be grateful for but even in the home that we’re sharing with my brother, I keep myself completely closed off. I stay in our suite because my OCD prevents me from venturing into other parts of the house. I’d say that I was silently suffering but it’s not true, the majority of the time I express how I feel to my husband. But he too is hurting. Whether it’s the pain of him not seeing his daughters as much as he’d like, or him being unhappy with being 50 years old and living with his wife’s brother, I know that he’s struggling too. Continue reading