The Conscious Uncoupling of Life

I’m not sure why I always seem to drag my feet when it comes to writing. I’m always composing in my head but I always find that I’m so busy to carve out the little time needed to simply make a post. It’s been a challenging time. I’m still coming to grips with the passing of my grandmother. It still doesn’t feel real. Since her death I have spent an exorbitant amount of time thinking about my mortality. Just the other night I sat in bed and had a lively discussion with my husband about what happens after we die. Granted, this discussion was further fueled by having watched the movie, The Judge, starring Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Duvall. I’d already been thinking dark thoughts, what happens in the movie, spoiler alert, made me give it even more consideration.

Is it wrong that when I got home I Googled how physics may explain the possibility of an afterlife. I expressed to my hubby that as much as I’d like to believe that there is something after we’ve died, that I just don’t think that our spirit and consciousness requires the living human body to survive. In a nutshell, I think that the energy that was contained within us simply dissipates and is released and absorbed by the environment. Yes, a dismal outlook but one that I’m actually more willing to accept than the one suggested by religion. My husband and I differ a bit in our belief and limited understanding of what happens after we die. He too doesn’t believe that there is an afterlife as described in the scriptures, but unlike me he’s more comfortable believing that something, rather than nothing, happens to us. Continue reading

My Inbox Runneth Over

When life gets crazy there are a number of things that are left by the wayside. For me, it’s my 600+ emails in my personal email box. Sure, I’ll take a look at the ones that seem to be immediately important, thanks to my iPhone and Postbox notifications, but outside of that, they pile up. My moods have dictated the state of my inbox. However, you can look at the state of my inbox as that of the current state of my life. I immediately do the things that absolutely have to be completed, and then I put off whatever it is that I can.

I wasn’t always such a lazy person. But I have become this way as life has begun to really wear on me. I think that as the pounds have also creeped up on me more and more that hasn’t helped either. I’m not so vain that I’m not willing to share my weight. As of today I topple the scale at 248 pounds! Yes, you read correctly. I may not be too vain to reveal my astonishing weight but I do tend to stay out of the mirror as much as possible. My face, to me, looks like it’s been made swollen by bee stings and why is it that I have to pluck facial hair that now mysteriously sprout on my chin?! Much of my weight is attributed to the long list on medications that I’m required to take. Yes, required. Without them I’d be far more suicidal than most, my headaches would return and I would need both sinus and brain surgery again. But it certainly doesn’t help that all the foods that I’m supposed to avoid are the only ones that I eat. Dairy. Pasta. I love you. Continue reading

Navigating Through the Fog

Tomorrow will be one month since my grandmother passed away. I last wrote about the profoundness of grief, all the while not really knowing that it’s tentacles could be so far-reaching. I have struggled, really struggled to keep my sanity. I have longstanding issues with depression and I was naive in thinking that I could somehow compartmentalized the effects of losing my grandmother. It’s been a trying year. One that any counselor or psychologist will tell you is hard for most. For someone with my history of depression it has been among the worst. If it weren’t for my husband and my brother, I’m honestly not sure what I would have done.

Some days are better than others. That’s what I just told my grandfather after calling him to check in on him. It was the first time I’d called since I last saw him at the funeral over two weeks ago. It was difficult and I’d been putting it off. Normally when I’d call on a Sunday they’d both be there sitting on the veranda. This time, it was just him, reading the newspaper with the radio or television playing in the background. I told him that it was an adjustment going from me not calling but knowing that she was there to now, calling and knowing that she’s not there. Just the mention of my grandmother had me tearing up. I know that my pain is nothing like his and I truly hurt for him. Continue reading