It’s been creeping up on me. Slowly at first, simmering below the surface. But in the past week or two it has erupted. Like a hand covering one’s mouth to hold back its escape, I have been so unequivocally unhappy that I can’t bear the pain. My very organized world has been crashing as my life’s due dates are now all past due. I’ve tried to hide, tried to make sense of it, tried to brush it off. But here it remains. Here I dwell in the fog that is now my life.
I’ve been so very angry and unhappy. For some reasons that I feel I can’t explain and for others that are much easier to describe. I find myself confined to a room, to a house that is not my own. I’m in a job that I spend more time worrying about its end rather than enjoying the myriad of projects that I can take on. We are so financially poor and being the independent person that I’ve always been, the past year has seen me fall deeper and deeper into a despair that I am struggling to break free of. I am losing my sense of being, my sense of purpose, my grasp on the importance of each day. I’ve tried exercising and have only found that in spite of and despite doing so I am plagued with moments of utter and debilitating darkness. I want nothing and I want everything. I hate myself and I love myself. Continue reading
It’s already Wednesday afternoon and I have squandered the week. Monday was a day where I was so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed. Those types of days have decreased over the past few months but Monday was one of those days that hit me like a ton of bricks. Yesterday I was able to shake it a bit and was functional enough to do a few of the things on my personal to-do list. Because of how I was feeling Monday I flaked out on working out so yesterday saw me making up for Monday and also in doing Tuesday’s workout. My husband and I started doing Daily Burn via our Roku 3 and it’s been great having someone to workout with. However, I will say that I’m concerned that I’ll become the type that needs to workout just to feel okay. Sure, it was great, those first few days. I did feel an extra boost in energy but then there I was, over analyzing the whole thing. I already have issues with depression and I am fearful that that depression will be amplified on the days where I can’t coax myself into working out for that additional endorphin high.
In recent conversations with my husband I have been very critical of myself. Yesterday, as he drove me to a doctor’s appointment, I told him that I was again feeling like a complete failure. Then, later in the evening I was doing some prep work for filing our taxes and sank even further into despair when I was faced with the very stark comparison of my new life to that of my old one. Financially we’re sinking. February will be the first month where I don’t think that we’ll be able to pay all of our bills. We’re drowning in medical and credit card bills as well as in my inability to snap out of my feelings of despair and worthlessness. I have work to do but my mind is stuck worrying about things that are presently outside of my control. Better yet, it’s stuck on things that I shouldn’t be giving attention to. I suppose it’s the breaking down before building up period. There is a lot to be grateful for but even in the home that we’re sharing with my brother, I keep myself completely closed off. I stay in our suite because my OCD prevents me from venturing into other parts of the house. I’d say that I was silently suffering but it’s not true, the majority of the time I express how I feel to my husband. But he too is hurting. Whether it’s the pain of him not seeing his daughters as much as he’d like, or him being unhappy with being 50 years old and living with his wife’s brother, I know that he’s struggling too. Continue reading
I realize that I should’ve made a post yesterday. However, unlike most New Years Eves in recent memory, I was blissfully working. It was helpful that I was in the mood to actually work. And it was a good thing since last week was essentially a week off for me. I’d say that half of last week was very hard. I spent the week as I usually do, not working (except for a few hours on my birthday which I didn’t mind this year). It’s different now, working as an independent contractor. Since I’m still new to the full-time world of independent contractor work I still struggle with getting comfortable with this new identity. I’ve been working since I was around 16 or 17. All I know is the traditional world of retail or other “regular” jobs. The biggest adjustments of course include not having paid time off or a set schedule and pay. I’m also still trying to gain my footing with the many changes that occurred in 2014. I decided to and sold my home in a month, I left the career field and job that I had for over a decade, my hubby and I moved in with my brother and his family and the real kicker, my grandmother passed away. It had been a very difficult 2014. I’ll say this much about myself and my moods, I tend to be almost in a constant state of depression. The onset of its severity was a result of the relationship I had with my first husband. Prior to that I really can’t remember being depressed as a child or much at all in my early teens.
I tend to be pretty introverted and I’m very much a hermit. I spend 99% of my time in my room and office and seldom venture out. Sure, I like to go to my favorite restaurant or to the movies every now and then, but I’m pretty content just being a home body. Case in point, who else would binge watch all 60+ 40-minute episodes of Arrow in 3 days?! As a whole I like my routine except of course, for those times when I absolutely hate it. I don’t consciously feel locked away from the world, but life does impact me a great deal more within the same confined space. My brother and others have suggested becoming more active and even taking walks. As with most “resolutions” I tried it once or twice and then went right back to what I was doing before. Nothing. I’d been so excited about my mini stepper and even that interest has waned. Disappointing considering the mini stepper is right beside my desk. The very same desk I’m siting at now. I’ve decided that since I am always listening to my 5,906-song music collection throughout the day that I’d exercise every time an up-tempo song plays. I’ve had limited success with it. What inevitably happens every time I dedicate myself to an exercise regime, I get really sick for a week and during that time I don’t workout. Then I am more likely to revert to my old habits. This also happened with our test of the Vi Shakes and even with Soylent. Although, in both cases it also had to do with our meager finances not making it possible to continue. Continue reading
Well, it’s my birthday for another 45 minutes. On my Asana list for today was not only to attend a meeting, the first time I can recall ever working on my birthday, as well as blogging. All in all it’s been a great and relaxing day. As has become our tradition, we combined my birthday celebration with my sister-in-law’s whose birthday was on the 20th. I don’t recall ever having such a chill day with my immediate family.
Because the weather was dreary we stayed in at the hotel. The kids went to the pool with my brother while the rest of us, my mom, dad, husband and sister-in-law hung out in our connecting hotel room. We chatted, watched television, we did what I enjoyed most, simply being together as a family. The morning started off with me being awakened after what only seemed like a handful of hours sleep. After all, I had spent the past several days in a deep Netflix binge fest. On Friday I watched the entire first season of True Detective (on the advice of one of my first cousins) and then, since his other suggesting Fargo wasn’t available on Netflix, I started watching a recommendation of my brother, Arrow. So, in about three days I also finished the 55 hour-long episodes and am now completely caught up with the entire series. Okay, so maybe they were more like 40 minutes or so a piece since all but the last few episodes of the current season were watched commercial-free. Continue reading