It should come as no surprise when I say that I have for weeks been planning to write. I feel as though there’s always so much doom and gloom that I may sometimes come across as being very self-absorbed or just pathetic. However, at this very moment I feel as though I may be on the precipice of something remarkable. Although not a lot has changed, a lot is changing. I feel the palpable anticipation of a shift in course.
Since my last post I was surprised to have had friends as well as former colleagues reach out to me to alert me of job openings as well as to simply let me know that I’ll rebound. And although nothing has yet materialized, they’re very much in process of doing so. Wednesday night and into the very wee hours of Thursday I again made a big push to find a job. On Sunday evening my mother, father, husband and I sat around their kitchen table talking until almost midnight. My mom, as she’s known to do, reminded me that sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zone in order to make a breakthrough. I’ve been in a perpetual rut. It has felt like Groundhog Day for over a year. I’d been mourning the big changes of 2014. I resigned from my job, sold my house and lost my grandmother. I didn’t always realize it but I was mourning 3 deaths. These were and still are major life events.
I suppose, in truth, we’re going under, both my husband and I. The last two or so weeks have been nightmarish for me. Not only have I been plagued with restlessness, I have also been even more depressed than usual. Several days ago I finally understood why I was so uneasy. The best and the worst part of working from home is, you guessed it, working from home. It can be very inconsistent. Despite establishing a budget and knowing just how much you have to earn in a day, a week or a month, it really takes a lot out of you. While I enjoy being my own boss, I truly miss the consistency of a salary. This is the first time in my life that I know that we won’t be able to meet all our debt obligations/bills. It’s a very tough pill to swallow, knowing that despite all your hard work in life, you’re only as successful as the next dollar you’re able to earn. If we didn’t live with family it would be horrible, devastatingly so. Then too, I think maybe if I’d not decided to impulsively sell my house and move back to the town my brother and parents live, things would be better. I look back at our old budget and financial obligations, the one we had prior to the move and within the past day I have really seriously wondered if I’m in the midst of a life lesson, another slap in the face by life.
I have never been more embarrassed or more fearful in my life. I always diligently plan and I always make sure that our life is scheduled and budgeted, that I keep all the balls going. Now, well now I’m sitting in front of my computer and looking at the stock market crash that is our personal finances. Everything is about to implode. I know the exact date that it will happen and I feel as though I may have waited until too late to resolve it. Continue reading
As usual I have put off writing. I’ve had my share of good and bad days since my last post. Two weeks ago the hubby and I cashed in our Marriott Rewards points and stayed at a hotel for 4 nights. It was AMAZING! We always love the thrill of sleeping on a king-sized bed. At home we share a queen and there are times when a king would be a better guarantor of sleep. I love my hubby and we love starting off our slumber curled up with each other. We then inevitably get hot and there are times where the added distance in a king-sized bed does make the heart grow fonder. I remember how relaxed that stay made me feel and that its effects lasted for at least a week. And then of course, as they often do, the effects wore off and I was back to being fully stressed and depressed.
Being self-employed is hard, so too is adjusting to a $35K reduction in income from last year. I cringed when I worked on our taxes two weeks ago. I decided to wait until the end of February to do them this year since I had to amend our return twice last year. Waiting did little to calm the devastating blow its results had. Considering how little we made I was certainly not at all happy that we now have to pay the federal and state government. The cherry atop a somewhat dismal 2014. Needless to say, it was a bit humiliating to have to ask my parents to borrow money to pay the almost $1K bill. I’ve subscribed to QuickBooks Self-Employed so that I’m now able to keep on top of my quarterly taxes (even though I’m not required to pay them quarterly) and so that I can easily transfer all of my business information into TurboTax next year. I’d certainly suggested it to everyone out there who are self-employed. Continue reading
It’s been creeping up on me. Slowly at first, simmering below the surface. But in the past week or two it has erupted. Like a hand covering one’s mouth to hold back its escape, I have been so unequivocally unhappy that I can’t bear the pain. My very organized world has been crashing as my life’s due dates are now all past due. I’ve tried to hide, tried to make sense of it, tried to brush it off. But here it remains. Here I dwell in the fog that is now my life.
I’ve been so very angry and unhappy. For some reasons that I feel I can’t explain and for others that are much easier to describe. I find myself confined to a room, to a house that is not my own. I’m in a job that I spend more time worrying about its end rather than enjoying the myriad of projects that I can take on. We are so financially poor and being the independent person that I’ve always been, the past year has seen me fall deeper and deeper into a despair that I am struggling to break free of. I am losing my sense of being, my sense of purpose, my grasp on the importance of each day. I’ve tried exercising and have only found that in spite of and despite doing so I am plagued with moments of utter and debilitating darkness. I want nothing and I want everything. I hate myself and I love myself. Continue reading