I really wish that this was more than lip-service considering how frequently I say this, but I’m going to say it all the same, I wish that I was better about writing. I am trying to do what I consider to be my minimum, once a week. But you’d think that with as much as I actually enjoy writing I’d do more of it. I think about it a lot, actually. And you’d think that with so many convenient ways to post I’d be more willing to do so. However, here I am as usual lamenting on how much I wish I was writing more. The thing is, with my personal blog it’s not that I don’t have anything to say. Despite living a very mundane life I feel that there is always something for me to say. There are many moments where I have something to say that would simply be a few sentences. I’d planned to use my Tumblr account for those things but I’ve been lazy to do so. I like the idea of doing an audio post but would much rather click away on the keyboard. Plus, despite my very decent diction I find that when I open my mouth to speak the many thoughts running through my mind I end up losing the emphasis and poignancy of what I really want to say. Lost in translation.
So, all that’s to also say, I’ve been fairly busy. I started a new job last week Sunday and have only had one day of since. It’s in retail management but at present outside of doing a lot of computer based learning I’ve been doing more manual labor at the job than I’ve done in years. I’m assisting with stocking a brand new location of the retail store and my Flex Force band have seen my daily step count over the past three days surpass all the steps that I took for the past three weeks! And so yesterday, despite planning on getting on the computer I took a hot shower and then hopped in bed. My feet and calves are killing me! My body is used to being fairly stationary and I have the weight gain to support that. So, this change in routine has my body now more consistently supporting my added weight and it’s been pretty brutal. I’m adjusting. These past few days have felt like weeks. At least, physically it’s felt that way. I was thinking today, as I stocked shelves with merchandise, that it’s interesting that I’m in a job that doesn’t require advanced thinking. There were moments where I was happy about, after having spent over a decade at a very demanding job, being in a job where I didn’t have to do any real critical thinking. All I was doing was following basic instructions and was left alone to complete them. I enjoy working alone. My moments of happiness in the simplicity of it was then interrupted by my mind then thinking about how many college degrees I have and am now doing a manual labor retail job for less than a third of what I was previously making. On this point I am doing what I can to not allow myself to live in that space. I have weighed the pros and cons of finding a job in the Atlanta area in one of my handful of professions. However, the cons always win out and so for now I know that I have to be willing to accept being overqualified for most jobs in my area. Continue reading
I got the call today that my first day of work for the job I interviewed for last week is this Sunday. An 8-hour orientation. I approach this new start with very cautious optimism. After all, I did have a one-day job in a place where I thought that I could thrive. Now, I’m hoping that this new opportunity will be a pleasant surprise that I never thought it could be. My biggest concern is on how my hubby and I will now live on a severely reduced budget. I’ll be making less than a third per hour of what I had been when I worked for the library. Yes, I know, humbling. I’ll admit that I feel somewhat ashamed and embarrassed. It’s been very hard, being human again.
So, I am excited about the new opportunity but afraid of how the financial strain will take its toll on my life. Everyone knows that money woes causes relationships to crumble and moods to change. Until yesterday, for several days I had to deal with our suite’s over 90-degree temperature. I told my father as he installed a window unit air conditioner that it’s either being fat or being hot, I can’t handle them both. My mood was horrific. My family knows me, they get that I am typically a moody person. I’m very particular. I’ve always been that way. However, as the rooms got hotter, I became more lethargic and wallowed in my more annoyed sense of self. I was upset because I had things I should be doing and upset further because I had no self-motivation to do them. Continue reading
Very descriptive adjectives, yes, I know. However, that’s exactly how I feel. I’ve been stewing for some time now. I suppose you could say that I’ve been stewing for months. I knew that I was no longer in a job or a place that I enjoyed and even in changing that there is a lot that I obviously still need to figure out. I’m just in a place where I’m utterly and totally unhappy. The heat doesn’t help. Much like dreary days hot days gets me even more moody as well as groggy and very sad. I feel like I’m withering away. I look back at the past month and a half and wonder what I’ve done with my time. Sure, I’ve but in many long hours applying to jobs, experienced the gut-wrenching pain of have a job for one day and I’ve even set up my first home server. But in the multitude of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and now over a month, I’ve felt my symptoms must be akin to being bipolar.
I’ve struggled with depression all of my adult life and it is now compounded by my increased weight (due in large part to medication) and decreased desire to do anything. I have moments where I’m in full productivity mode and then there is the vast majority of my time where I feel so beaten down by the reality of what my life has become. I try to remain optimistic but then I find myself laying in bed like every other day wishing I felt motivated to do more. My brother and I differ in this way. Like me he’s presently unemployed but unlike me he gets up every day and busies himself with things to do. Whereas I lay in my fortress of solitude feeling utter despair and an unwillingness and complete lack of desire to do anything. Continue reading