Win or Lose, There’s Always CiCi’s

How ridiculous it now seems, my thinking that the dead shell of a ladybug that had perched on my nightstand would somehow give me luck. I allowed myself to feel excited for a time. There had been hope. And now all that seems to have been dashed. I told my husband that I felt that this would be the week of my breakthrough, that by Friday I’d have secured a new job and things would start to look up. I was terribly wrong. Yes, Friday is not yet here and with its entry there is still the possibility that I’ll be surprised, but I’m not holding my breath.

Forgive me if I seem jaded. In fact, I very much am. In this moment and much of today, jaded was my name. Since my last post I’d had interviews with three different companies and while I thought that two went well, I bombed the interview I had with the third today. My chance to work in my home county and for a very decent wage was dashed in a mere fifteen minutes. I wore my unlucky lucky outfit (lucky because the first interview I wore it on, I got the job, unlucky because it was the job that I had for all of one day). I was not meant to repeat a day similar to today that occurred almost 15 years ago. In front of a panel of community leaders of Rockdale County I was interviewed and selected as Miss Tempus Fugit (a contest tradition at Rockdale County High School where every organization and class at RCHS is given representation and for whom the students are “academically sound and involved in various activities in and out of school.” A male and female are then selected to reflect being the most well-rounded among their esteemed peers). To think about it, how pathetic is it that such a memory would have any relevance in a life that has accomplished considerably more since then?! Regardless, there was no repeat. In its stead I experienced the shortest interview I’ve ever had while being on the applicant side of the table. I knew I bombed it. The warmth of the chair I sat in in front of the firing squad, er, interview panel was still warm from the prior candidate who’d held it considerably longer than I had. I did nothing to extend that warmth. Continue reading

On the Precipice

It should come as no surprise when I say that I have for weeks been planning to write. I feel as though there’s always so much doom and gloom that I may sometimes come across as being very self-absorbed or just pathetic. However, at this very moment I feel as though I may be on the precipice of something remarkable. Although not a lot has changed, a lot is changing. I feel the palpable anticipation of a shift in course.

Since my last post I was surprised to have had friends as well as former colleagues reach out to me to alert me of job openings as well as to simply let me know that I’ll rebound. And although nothing has yet materialized, they’re very much in process of doing so. Wednesday night and into the very wee hours of Thursday I again made a big push to find a job. On Sunday evening my mother, father, husband and I sat around their kitchen table talking until almost midnight. My mom, as she’s known to do, reminded me that sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zone in order to make a breakthrough. I’ve been in a perpetual rut. It has felt like Groundhog Day for over a year. I’d been mourning the big changes of 2014. I resigned from my job, sold my house and lost my grandmother. I didn’t always realize it but I was mourning 3 deaths. These were and still are major life events.

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I’m Going Under

I suppose, in truth, we’re going under, both my husband and I. The last two or so weeks have been nightmarish for me. Not only have I been plagued with restlessness, I have also been even more depressed than usual. Several days ago I finally understood why I was so uneasy. The best and the worst part of working from home is, you guessed it, working from home. It can be very inconsistent. Despite establishing a budget and knowing just how much you have to earn in a day, a week or a month, it really takes a lot out of you. While I enjoy being my own boss, I truly miss the consistency of a salary. This is the first time in my life that I know that we won’t be able to meet all our debt obligations/bills. It’s a very tough pill to swallow, knowing that despite all your hard work in life, you’re only as successful as the next dollar you’re able to earn. If we didn’t live with family it would be horrible, devastatingly so. Then too, I think maybe if I’d not decided to impulsively sell my house and move back to the town my brother and parents live, things would be better. I look back at our old budget and financial obligations, the one we had prior to the move and within the past day I have really seriously wondered if I’m in the midst of a life lesson, another slap in the face by life.

I have never been more embarrassed or more fearful in my life. I always diligently plan and I always make sure that our life is scheduled and budgeted, that I keep all the balls going. Now, well now I’m sitting in front of my computer and looking at the stock market crash that is our personal finances. Everything is about to implode. I know the exact date that it will happen and I feel as though I may have waited until too late to resolve it. Continue reading